I feel for you, and can completely understand where you are coming from. I was in a similar relationship, a marriage in fact (fortunately no kids, but a business together, which is kind of like a child). She started seeing someone - initially behind my back - then openly and (sort of) with my consent. She showed mant of the same traits as your lady. His wishes were paramount, mine were always of least important, complete refusal to bend on any of her wants, lots of projected blame on me, endless critical rants about me, how I wasn't accepting or respecting her wants/needs, how all the problems where with me, and she is merely following where her feeling go.
This is all self absorbed behavior, and to me speaks of someone who can't face the responsibility of her actions. It's always someone else's fault. If she is getting angry whenever you try to talk calmly, I would say that on some level she knows the wrongness of her actions, but can't deal so get's angry at you. Knowing this doesn't always help though
I'd say you both need professional help if the marriage is to go forward. I never got this in time. But then my wife refused to go, which spoke volumes about her desire to actually repair things between us (she didn't have it, at least not a strong one.)
If your wife refuses to see a therapist, says the problem is with you not her, or continues with the 'I'll do what I like, consequences be damned' attitude, she's in no fit state to be in a marriage, and you need to seriously ask yourself if you want to have someone like that in your life. Harsh I know, but...