Reading your story put an image in my head about how you found your boyfriend. The image shows you putting on a blindfold, and walking into the unknown and accepting whatever you find there. My opinion ( take it for whatever you think it's worth) is you are in a toxic relationship. You got there because you acted randomly and without clear intent.
Galagirl says the pain of leaving a bad situation is temporary, while the pain of staying in a bad situation is permanent. I agree. What is your lesson here? Learn to do things with full awareness and intent.
When you do random things without awareness and intent, you risk walking into stuff that doesn't work for you. This relationship is one example of that kind of stuff. The bigger issue is the fact that you don't yet know how to do things with full awareness and intent. The smaller issue is this relationship you're in. Resolve the first one, it will become more obvious to you how to resolve the relationship.
The big question is - why is your self esteem so low that you do things simply because other people want you to? Time to have a heart to heart chat with yourself.