ON CHOOSING TO PARTNER WITH A MONO-POLY MISMATCH
(excerpt from this thread
I was in a rush. Sorry about that -- we use words differently. To clarify... to me?
"Monogamy, polygamy, polyfidelity, open, closed, triad, V, quad" -- those kinds of words are describing the relationship structures people could be in.
The desire for only one person to love romantically at a time to me is "monoamory." The desire to love many to me is "polyamory." I think there are some people internally wired for mono- and some wired for poly-. Just like some people are wired for fast or slow metabolism or whatever trait. They just come wired how they come.
"Monogamy" and words like that about relationship structures are more "society/culture" things than "biology" things to me though. A polyamorous wired person could choose to be in a monogamous relationship structure. A monoamorous person could choose to be in a "V" structure.
I always seem to circle back to something I feel is a Truth for me.
I cannot help what I feel when I feel it. Rain is rain. Sun is sun. Emotion is emotion. It just burbles up. I don't choose when it burbles. So just let it blow on through! Internal weather is only internal weather. So what? There's sunny days and stormy skies in there. And? It blows on through.
What I CAN control is how I choose to BEHAVE in response to that emotion.
- I can choose to just REACT.
- I can choose to ACT WITH INTENTION.
- Even choosing to do NOTHING? That is a choice.
I can choose many ways to handle internal weather so that I move to sunny days faster. And I don't mind the stormy weather if it is navigated well. When else do you get rainbows? I love the bittersweet sweet moments. They can be so tender and dear.
But whatever choice I make? It's mine to choose. And I cannot escape the consequences of my choice.
I have to own my own baggage. Everyone has to own their own bag.
When DH and I first got together? I told him I was not seeking an exclusive thing. I wanted to see others and he could too. I remember that talk because it was on the side of the education building at our college campus. It was very much a relationship of the present - no pasts, no futures. Friends, with benefits. I chose to offer him that type relationship, he chose to sign up.
We hit other crossroads and kept on choosing each other. When he had to move cities and it became an LDR thing. When I asked him to move back and move in with me. And it became a cohabitating with a roomie thing. When I asked him to choose to just be us without a roomie, to marry. When we chose to move to again, to a time/space where children could come on board too. We chose to have our kid.
It amazes me we've been together pretty much ever since those first encounters where we became friends. Changing the agreement for how to be together as needed as we kept growing and evolving in ourselves and not just in our relationship to each other. Choosing to be flexible and choosing to grow together as well as on our own.
Today? DH and I have an agreement to stay closed throughout active parenting stage of our life. I am going to stick with that. This I choose to do. This he chooses to do too. We hold up our ends of all sticks in our agreement for how we choose to be together.
When it comes time to reassess, we do that.
Actually, that's one of our favorite quotes. The Tiffany Aching character thinks to herself --
“This I choose to do. If there is a price, this I choose to pay. If it is my death, then I choose to die. Where this takes me, there I choose to go. I choose. This I choose to do.”
― Terry Pratchett, Wintersmith
I am glad we choose (despite the mono-poly mismatch thing) to keep it real and keep it sane. To choose to act with intention most of the time. For 19 years and counting? The major fights we've had? I can count on the fingers of one hand. Pretty good record for being friends, then lovers, then spouses, and then co-parenting. There have been many joys and many maddening moments, but we keep on choosing to keep it real and keep it sane with each other at least, even if figuring out how to weather the next thing that came up takes a few stabs to solve.
I'm so glad we chose each other, and that we just choose to get along well.