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Old 08-08-2012, 05:14 PM
WhatHappened WhatHappened is offline
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Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 923

Originally Posted by Glitter View Post
Perhaps look at it this way, she understands that we, as humans, have needs that need to be met. We have wants that we want met. Being in a poly relationship is about striking a balance with all parties involved. It means everyone needs to be on board and in agreement of that balance. Perhaps (and I speculate only), she's saying she gets how it can be difficult and it makes her sad to see someone in that kind of pain.
Thank you, Glitter, that helps me understand another way it could be and I do believe that most people in this world mean well.

So you actually think my very presence and existence is causing my husbands GF pain?

Besides being a married woman, I'm also a secondary.
Thank you for your first post, Cleo. I have no idea about you and your husband's GF. In the story I told, that particular GF did feel pain because BF had a wife. I believe hers is a very typical story of someone unaccustomed to poly being fine with it at first, and as her feelings deepened struggling with the idea that someone she loves is going to be with someone else most of the time.

I would say that being married and poly already, those are two things that change the situation completely for you, as compared to for this woman or anyone single and with no prior knowledge of the poly structure.

bringing someone into a situation
Wow, lots of assumptions in this one sentence you wrote. Unfortunately, there are far too many couples out there (mostly, it seems, when they are new to poly and fumbling about) who look at it this way, too - ie., that they are "bringing in" someone from the outside to be part of, or a subset of, their relationship dynamic. Essentially, a "Couple Plus" scenario instead of a group of separate relationships that all manage themselves.
I think I should have phrased that differently, given how that that exact phrase often is used just as you said. When I wrote it, I was thinking very specifically more that BF himself invites women into a relationship with him, but that it is also a joint decision on their part to live this lifestyle; thus, in a small way, she is part of this invitation being extended to someone with no experience in this.

And yes, I do think, from what he's told me, from what I'm experiencing, and from what I read right here, that being new to poly, particularly for those who did not decide it's what they wanted, for those who did not seek it out, but who met someone who wanted that relationship with them, who invited them in...yes, I do believe that the probability of it becoming painful is very high.

But think about this: what of the new person's own agency, choice, and decision-making in the matter?
I absolutely agree.

If that person is not getting what they need and desire from the relationship to be fulfilled, and they "go home alone and lonely," why would they stay?
If they stay, it's because the good outweighs the bad. I imagine in this particular instance that this woman was not 'going home alone and lonely' in the early stages of their relationship, and that as her feelings progressed and became deeper for him, she found herself struggling more. I think this is natural for many or most people. I would guess that as it became a struggle, that's exactly why she didn't stay.

I agree with you that if needs aren't being met, if people aren't happy with a situation, they should leave. She did. Plenty of others eventually do. I myself am considering doing so because I believe that as my feelings for him grow, I will be less and less content with the situation and that eventually it's impossible for a married man to meet my needs.

If I painted a picture of a victim, I didn't intend to at all. I don't regard her as a victim, nor myself, nor any of us in this position. We all made our choices, but it doesn't change the fact that when a golden ticket to the promised land is offered, so to speak, it's very hard to say no, when someone appealing wants to give you the world and love and admiration and affection. Both these things are true at the same time: he offered something very hard to resist and I made my choice to accept.

He himself is asking the question: should he have offered, having seen from his own experience that the married with single imbalance often leads to exactly the kind of pain his former GF experienced?

And I wouldn't say he has a mono-ish perspective at all. They've had an open marriage for the majority of their 25 years together.

why would it be any wiser to only seek out experienced poly peeps?
For the reasons I first brought up. And I am posing it as a question, not as a foregone conclusion on my part or his that the answer is negative.

Someone asked why not just go out and get another boyfriend. I think some people just aren't interested in having two boyfriends if they're truly mono. For myself, with a house full of kids, a couple of them special needs, a house falling down around my head with its own needs, two jobs, and deadlines breathing down my neck, I wasn't looking for one boyfriend. I certainly don't have time for two.

This discussion, especially after a night to sleep on some of the things he and I talked about, brings me to another question:

What success stories do people have of married poly with single mono? I've seen only a couple and those seem to involve the single person moving in with the couple eventually. Barring that (because it absolutely will not happen in my situation for several reasons), are there such situations where everyone remains happy?

I apologize for misusing the word vanilla. BF used it early on and I think at that point I misunderstood him.
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