First of all, acknowledge yourself for how self-aware you are. The degree to which you are able and willing to look at what is going on with you is impressive, and commendable. Clearly, you have done a lot of inner work on yourself to be able to grasp and understand the deeper issues, so kudos to you.
Next, don't be so quick to blame only yourself for the tension and fighting. Remember, each person in a relationship is 100% responsible for their part in it. So, while you are looking at what stuff inside you prompts you to be upset and start arguments, what is he looking at? What is his part in it? It sounds like the two of you still have some residual resentment from the past that is still unresolved. It takes two to keep a war going.
Also, while the gf may not be a cowgirl per se, but she could be what a teacher/mentor of mine calls a "relationship splitter." Those are people who unconsciously influence couples to fight. When they were kids, they were the ones to wriggle between mommy and daddy when they were hugging, just to get some attention. It could be that she is unknowingly projecting an energy of that sets you and your husband to fight over her. People like that create conflicts wherever they go. It could be because underneath it all they want attention, or to feel superior, or it's just a habitual dynamic they learned at an early age.
If she is a "Splitter," there is nothing you can do to change that in her, but it is a dynamic to be on the lookout for. If you are feeling perfectly fine and at peace with yourself and then walk into a room where she is and immediately bristle or feel like you want to argue with your husband, that is a clue. She needs to look at that possibility for herself, but what you can do when you feel that argumentative urge rise is take a step back and not give in to it. Yes, it takes two to keep a war going, but only one to end it.
Walk away from the fight, figure out alone what it is you really want to express and then say it to him later without a fighting energy. Perhaps you really need to make sure that you and hubs have plenty of private time together. She should be willing to leave the house and let you two have your space. If she isn't, that's a sign, too. Maybe she is a cowgirl who might not even realize it herself.
Last edited by nycindie; 08-08-2012 at 05:06 PM.