Venting, don't mind me.
So I've had the same girlfriend for over a year now. We started off in the most intense NRE either of us have known and successfully grew that into a passionate love that has lasted. Go us. We communicate not just "more" but "better" than the average couple out there, seeing eye to eye on almost everything. We share a brain. One of our first conversations was about poly, I had been practicing it for a few years and she always wanted to but never had the chance.
When we met, she was single except for a casual fling around the same time and I had a couple casual relationships that never developed into full relationships. Within a few weeks we were spending every other day together as a couple and our outside partners peacefully went away.
The one exception to our similarity is when confidence is an issue. I worked my arse off for years to build my own confidence because I used to have...well...none. Now I'm at the point where I can feel insecure about something and be comfortable with that insecurity. I recently watched her have sex someone else. I was Insecure, but I knew she would come back, so I took it with a smile and moved on.
We deal with insecurity differently, hence our dilemma. Her confidence is poor because of past abusive relationships and she cannot seem to work on it. She wants to, and says she is trying, but after more than a year I feel like it is only getting worse. I can't even talk to another women without her freaking out (by that I mean full on crying/passive-aggressive behavior/accusations etc.). She sees what she does and feels terrible about it, always apologizing after the communication has ended (with the other girl usually terrified of us). She knows this is tearing us apart and always says she will be better next time and that I should go out and meet other girls...But I don't want to anymore when I have that cloud of drama just waiting for me to try anything.
I have thought hard about going mono. I have done nothing more with outside partners than a couple "first dates" with kissing over the last year. No sex or emotional connections so I feel mono whether I am or not.
We have talked about finding counselling for her, but we are both students on the verge of bankruptcy.
We have talked about her insecurities and ways to deal with them ad nauseam. She knows the theory behind how to meditate and live in the moment without emotions taking over, but theory does not turn into reality with her. She says she "just can't do it".
I don't know what to do anymore...
Sorry for the vent, I really hate being a downer.