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Old 08-08-2012, 10:48 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
Join Date: Nov 2010
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Originally Posted by WhatHappened View Post
It seems patronizing and even hypocritical, to be part of bringing someone into a situation that's almost bound to hurt them, and then pose as the compassionate person who feels for that pain.
Wow, lots of assumptions in this one sentence you wrote. Unfortunately, there are far too many couples out there (mostly, it seems, when they are new to poly and fumbling about) who look at it this way, too - ie., that they are "bringing in" someone from the outside to be part of, or a subset of, their relationship dynamic. Essentially, a "Couple Plus" scenario instead of a group of separate relationships that all manage themselves. Eccch, that viewpoint always rubs me the wrong way. And perhaps those kinds of situations are "bound to hurt," but thankfully there are many people, married or not, conducting their poly relationships with consideration and thoughtfulness, and do not operate that way.

But think about this: what of the new person's own agency, choice, and decision-making in the matter? When one or both people in a married couple pursue a relationship with someone outside their marriage, that person is not an indentured servant. They can leave at any time, set their own boundaries, have other lovers. If a person goes in with eyes open and is making their own choice to be there, it is their own responsibility to make sure their needs are known and, if not met by their partner, restated. If that person is not getting what they need and desire from the relationship to be fulfilled, and they "go home alone and lonely," why would they stay?

As a solo polyamorist, I know it is up to me to make sure that any married poly guy I get involved with is able to work within MY boundaries, as well as whether or not I can work within his boundaries that he has with his wife. I have a say, as does anyone who chooses to get involved in a poly arrangement. You paint such a picture of a victim at the mercy of the married couple.

Originally Posted by WhatHappened View Post
Maybe what I should be asking here is the broader question behind this: how wise is it to invite vanilla, mono people, with no experience in open relationships whatsoever, into a poly relationship?
Pet peeve of mine: Vanilla has nothing to do with poly, as poly is a relationship structure, NOT a kink. Anyway, to respond to your question: why would it be any wiser to only seek out experienced poly peeps? Then we would all only be dating within a small, insular community, and limited in our choices. And polyamory is not just some thing that a select few are involved in; I really see it as a part of a whole restructuring of society, as we are in a wave of global upheaval and everything we used to count on is changing. Poly is becoming more known, and is a choice that should be available to everyone.

I believe that eventually polyamory and monogamy will be two choices considered equally by most people, and monogamy won't necessarily be the norm or standard expectation. We're a long way off from that, but still, most of us come to poly without prior experience. For that matter, at first, most people enter marriage without prior experience either. Any relationship involves a learning curve for everyone, because every person is unique. The only way to understand and learn about relationships, and our relationship to ourselves, is to dare to be in one.
The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia

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Last edited by nycindie; 08-08-2012 at 04:05 PM.
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