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Old 08-07-2012, 09:33 PM
Sarcophagus Sarcophagus is offline
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 12

Originally Posted by snowmelt View Post
How was your self esteem when you first met her?
Through the roof. I was so sure of myself that I was untouchable. A lot happened in the last few years, some of it related to my relationship, some of it completely not. For the last year, I've kind of just been trying to feel my way out of a pit of loathing.

Originally Posted by snowmelt View Post
And look what kind of person that got you.

For example, I'm a woman. I have been told many times I am gorgeous, and I could easily be on the cover of a fashion magazine. I have had people ask me if I am a model when they meet me for the first time. I have a great figure because I work at it. To be blunt, I turn heads. It was fun at first. Now I don't care. What's important to me now? I want to know how confident, kind, mature and smart someone is. Manipulative people don't like me very much. They feel strength in my presence that unnerves them (I see it in there eyes seconds after I meet them).

You are gorgeous. Great. Now get over it (I did) because it isn't helping you find a loving woman, or happiness.
That's my point. My characteristics at first glance are fine. I'm keenly aware of this. My problems all stem from my self.

Originally Posted by snowmelt View Post
It's the only question

Originally Posted by snowmelt View Post
What does this REALLY mean?
Viewing her objectively, she's a fascinating mind. I adore her intellect and her reasoning, and the way she pushes herself past her limits regularly.

It's when I add myself into the equation that things get muddy. She's clearly not attracted to me in my current state; I'm not even attracted to myself in my current state.

Originally Posted by snowmelt View Post
This is called manipulation. Like I said earlier, she is an accomplished manipulator. That's not the issue anymore. Its you self esteem.

Because you have low self esteem, and her radar noticed that. What are you going to do about your low self esteem? Everything I'm saying is blunt, but very sincere. What are you going to do about it?
Believe me, I appreciate bluntness.

Yes, she's the most manipulative person I know. It's riveting to watch her do it, actually. Just a subtle few words, seemingly unrelated, then magic happens and people willfully bend. It's basically talking a horse into wanting to go to the water and drink.

Wall of text incoming. You may have just gotten more than you bargained for.

Regarding my low self esteem, I really do just need to get out more. I just moved to my current location a year ago and haven't made many friends, and none that aren't mutual between me and her. My job doesn't give me much contact with people in a way that isn't bound by corporate keeping-up-appearances BS. It doesn't help that I really can't stand my job. The pay and benefits are good,'s just something I do for money. This is not my life's work. It doesn't drive me. That's taking its toll.

So, what am I going to do about it? I believe I'm focusing too hard on her in the first place. I have no stable grounding in myself and nothing else in my life to keep me going and sane. Perhaps I've been too dependent.

I have things to change in my own life. I will undoubtedly be better off for it, and it's likely our relationship would as well. At this point it's just a decision to either shut this all out and work on my self in the mean time, or get the hell out right now and do what I need to alone.

Edit: On a side note, I wonder if playing the field a bit myself regardless of what I do with her would help. In all likelihood, yes, I could probably do well with that.
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