Both men are missing the point -- They can air out all the wants they want to air out so you take them into consideration. But wants are not NEEDS
and you have to air out YOUR OWN
wants, needs, and limits. What might that be? Here's what I'm hearing or at least think I am hearing. And to me the solution is right there, but you aren't excited about having to DO IT.
- I do not want you to have 3somes with your husband.
BF SOFT LIMIT
- Until I can have 3somes with you too. Cuz I feel jealous/excluded.
- I do not want bf to dictate what we do in our sex life.
- I want to have threesomes with you and other women.
- To have sex with husband and another woman.
- To not be put in the middle because BF is dictating your sex life with DH
- To not be put in the middle because DH is not willing to help you assuage BF since he's new. Wouldn't DH appreciate YOU being welcoming to one of HIS spice people?
YOUR SOFT LIMIT:
- OK sharing 3somes with BF, but later down after this honeymoon period. (How long is honeymoon?)
- YOU have to tell BF to step off and not put you in the middle.
- YOU have to tell DH it would be nicer if he were more willing to discuss the addition of the new person to the polymath in a more graceful way. Seriously -- he won't DIE without swinging threesomes for a few weeks!
- You have to clarify your soft limit position to BF so he sees where you are coming from.
- You have to clarify your soft limit position to DH so he sees where you are coming from.
- You have to tell both men to NOT treat you like a sex dispenser. You are a PERSON, not a THING.
- 1) DH -- to help me out here, would you be willing to a temporary hold on threesomes? Because I'm your wife and you love me? I need feedback/negotiation talk there.
- 2) DH -- I am not a sex dispenser. I am bothered that you get mad about BF wanting to restrict your sexing first and how I feel right now trapped in the middle second. Wassup with that? That is a limit. I am a person, not a thing.
- 1) BF - You cannot dictate how I have sex with my own husband. (Is this in your framework for how to be together?) We use protection and stick to safe sex rules. Do not ever stick me in the middle like that -- that is a limit. And that is not kind. You would not like DH telling us how to have sex now would you?
- 2) BF - You and I can talk about threesomes later down the road. I am open to this. I am not say NEVER. I am saying "not yet since we are in this honeymoon phase and I'd like to enjoy us together as a couple for while first." I love you. Is that so horrible? To want to enjoy you in your wonderfulness?
- 3) BF - How long is reasonable soft limit before we revisit this topic? 6 mos? 3 mos? I am willing to work with you. But please do not treat me like a thing -- I am not a candy bar everyone can have a bite from just whenever they feel like it. I am a person, and I have to give consent. That is a limit.
- 4) BF - If you feel upset, jealous or excluded, how can I best support/nurture you through that? What is the upset speaking to? The jealous is speaking to? The Excluded is speaking to?