Lots of potentially helpful things here, thanks! Cleo, yes, I am sure he slept with C. Before it happened, he told me he "didn't need to have sex with her" after I expressed my fear that I wasn't going to feel OK about him having intercourse with someone else when he had had close to zero libido with me for weeks. I was fine with anything else romantic and sexual between them, kissing, outercourse, etc. Unfortunately, I took his "I don't need to do this" to mean "I WON'T do this," and then he had intercourse with her anyway.
GalaGirl, you have most of the situation correct. I do get a fair bit of nonsexual quality time with D, I can't complain there. I don't understand why D refused to seek medical care for five years, likely compounding his performance anxiety to much worse than it would have been. One of my other partners suggested that men who have sexual dysfunction are somehow ashamed of it and want to just pretend it isn't happening.
Anneintherain, thanks for sharing more of your situation with me. I guess scenario 1 is a little worse than scenario 2, but either scenario would bother me. D's last time with C wasn't their first time having intercourse, it was their fourth, and I wasn't bothered at all by them doing so the first three times. (In fact, I was there for two of the times, in a foursome situation, and I quite enjoyed watching them together.) I don't believe I have sexual jealousy as long as I'm getting some with him too. If I'm not, then it kicks in, and how. I always say, I can't share what I don't have.
D is now saying that the other night with C made him realize that he does have a problem that is probably much more psychological than physical. I'm willing to go back to the sex therapist with him but he thinks that individual therapy might be the best path for him now. I think he is just as upset as I am that he isn't having problems with other women, only me. (He had an evening with R two weeks ago and although they didn't have intercourse, he apparently did get aroused with her and would have been able to do so.)
Cieldematin, D merely promised to start off slowly, since he hadn't dated anyone else in two years at that point. I was not comfortable with him adding multiple sexual partners all at once when we had struggled so long to achieve functionality in our own sex life, so we made an agreement that he would start out with one additional partner and then evaluate where we were before adding a second or third one. That was about six months ago, when our sex life was reasonably healthy (meaning only occasional ED and intercourse often several times a week).
Nathan, one of my other partners is like you. He does much better with the familiar than the "new shiny." I suspect, though, that more people are like D.
At present, D wants to find an individual polyfriendly therapist. There are some in our area but almost all are a good distance from our home. He has agreed to no intercourse with C (other sexual play is fine with me, and I hope it will be fine with C too, but we need to talk to her) until we restore some normalcy to our own sex life. He has also agreed to consider R as just a friend for now.
All I can say is, I can see why people break up over sexual issues. I am 100 percent committed to D and my relationship with him, but damn, is it exhausting and upsetting to deal with all this. It's so hard to feel desirable when your primary partner seems to want anyone but you.
Last edited by persephone; 08-07-2012 at 01:54 PM.