Originally Posted by GalaGirl
Periodically I'll pop up with some poly wonderings, readings, or musings and mono DH shares the thoughts with me and that satisfies me. The exchange of ideas in calm fashion. That I am loved as I am, authentically. There's no panic or freak out on his end. He knew it going in and he's lived with me this long and he KNOWS I'm not going anywhere so he's secure with me.
He likes to yank my chain when I announce I have a new crush (I never tell the crush person though-- we are closed) and I like being teased and I like crushing from a distance. It's flirty and fun for DH and I and our bond is tight so we can enjoy that sort of titillating banter.
Maybe that's the partial crux in other marriages? The poly person is not free to be their authentic selves with the mono spouse? I'm not talking about free to date. I mean free to express their poly thoughts? And not have the spouse wig out and rage at them?
Because it's like... if my mono DH says he loves me, all of me, just as I am? How much all of me is he really loving if I cannot even express my polyside thoughts to him -- my life partner? Without him having a conniption? I don't want to leave him. I don't want to betray our agreements. But I do want to be able to talk to him about my inner self, my ideas, my crushes, my STUFF. Doesn't he want to know me? All of me? Or does he just want to love a sanitized version of me that meets his approval or is easier to digest? Who does that leave me to talk to then to create emotional intimacy and bond and all that other good married stuff? Cuz he's the one I'm married to?
For us in marriage, the mono DH OPENS up to share poly thoughts, ideas, books, etc. The poly wife CLOSES to a polyship of 2. That's been our happy medium place and it satisfies. If we choose to Re-Open later, it's coming from an informed, "been here before" type place and years of talk. We've agreed that if both are not on board, it's fine to carry on as just as we are. I'm not lacking anything. Because I can be authentic in my relationship with him and he doesn't bat an eye. Just staying Open to each other even if not ever opening up to Another again. And it so satisfies me. I love him how he is loving me how I am.
Thank you, GG. This
I can understand. I've had crushes on two people at once and massive, huge, overpowering, long-lasting crushes on others while married. I never would have considered myself 'poly.' Of course I didn't even know the word. But my now ex-husband was very threatened by this, even though I never would have considered acting on it.
So to many here 'being poly' means simply having crushes on or falling in love with more than one person at a time. But not that you must act on it
to 'be your authentic poly self?'
I've had this conversation with BF and he very much feels poly is a lifestyle choice, but there again, I think he's equating 'poly' to actions, whereas some here are equating 'poly' to a feeling.