Bad introduction to polyamory.
So here's my predicament.
My relationship hasn't been doing well for the last two years for various reasons; in large part due to my own personal issues preventing my fiance of six years from getting what she needed out of me which, in turn, prevented me from ever getting what I needed out of her. She was gone on a research grant for two months recently, during which time she cheated on me several times with the same person. On returning, she told me immediately, face-to-face. When asked why she wouldn't have called beforehand, she insists it was sudden and spur of the moment, and that at the time, we were pretty much not working anyway. When asked why she didn't tell me before continuing, she was afraid I would have just moved out and left her while she was gone, without hearing her out.
When I initially found out, I was going to leave. But in the time I spent with her before I could gather my belongings and rent a truck, I fell for her all over again. She's gone through a sort of metamorphosis into someone more honest with herself and, therefore, with me. To say she was abrasive and even belligerent at times before now would be an understatement.
What hurts the most is how I understand her feelings on the matter and would have been willing to open up from the start. Envy aside, I would have been fine with the idea of an open relationship if it had been presented to me first, and if we could have gone into that form of relationship comfortably and mutually together. But even after she told me, it basically came down to "this is who and what I am, this is what I'm going to do with him; please accept it or get out".
We and he live in different states, but she plans on visiting and staying with him for some time near the end of this month, regardless of what I have to say. Given how uncomfortable I am with the situation as a whole, and how I never had a chance to give my consent in the first place, it really just feels to my heart like "she's just cheating on you again, and now you know exactly when and in what situation".
The idea is that, while we love each other and work magnificently well domestically, she has a passion for him that I don't ignite. She's the most Alpha female I've ever met; I wouldn't call myself a Beta in most cases, but where she's concerned, I absolutely do go completely Omega. It's a hell of a turn off to both of us, really.
And in my case, I pretty much just wouldn't mind company while she's immersed in her career.
I've asked her if she would cut it off with him hypothetically. The vibe I get is that she would, but she would also be devastated. I asked her if she would at least cool it off with him in the mean time and get into this mutually from the start like it should have been in the first place, but we're far past a point where that would be viable, it seems. He's also aware of her intentions toward me; I think he mostly just respects her, is attracted to her, and wants a no-strings-attached relationship.
I think the hardest part is how I want what he gets out of her. I don't think I'd be jealous if I didn't. It's a side of her I find endearing from afar, but something just goes horribly wrong when I try to approach it myself.
I'd like to have romantic relationships with other people myself, too, and even threeway encounters with my fiance involving right people and comfort levels, but the way this played out was just the most absolutely wrong way for me, and I'm not sure how to deal with it. I suppose if this relationship with her is so important to me that I just won't walk out, then letting go and taking it as it comes from here on is the only real option, but something is keeping me from that. I'm not comfortable with her and our situation. I'm pissed off, and bitter, and jealous, and it's ruining me. We're so closely entwined now that that translates to me not being comfortable with myself, so I can't even muster the give-a-damn to flirt with anyone else I'd find attractive otherwise.
It's just a confusing mess, really.
Last edited by Sarcophagus; 08-07-2012 at 07:51 AM.