Unsure of how to proceed, I feel as though I'm at one of the sharpest forks in the road I've ever come across in my life. My girlfriend of almost 8 months has expressed herself as being very monogamous and I've expressed strong feelings of polyamory, though I haven't made any action to persue these ideals. It has been a recurring topic of conflict in our relationship, though, more than anything, perhaps fuel for her underlying insecurities and fear of abandonment. It has become increasingly difficult for me because I often have such strong feelings of love and attraction for people other than her. This can occasionally lead to guilt due to me knowing how she would feel about that but mostly makes me confused.
I have had thoughts of leaving the relationship many times but I'm unsure if it's simply a sense of attachment that is preventing me from moving forward to what I feel is an expression of my 'true nature' or if the strong bond and compatibility I experience with her warrants dropping the concept of polyamory and going with the flow with what is right in front of me at this very moment in time - but then is that simply inactivity?
I'd like to add that the thoughts of leaving are not just related to the poly vs mono thing. As much love as she pours out of herself, she also pours out a lot of negativity. As much as I dislike labels, she has depression and borderline personality disorder. I try to refrain from judging as much as possible but even so, I often can't help but feel that I've just been drained mentally and emotionally after spending a while with her. Other times I feel uplifted and refreshed. It's a beautiful yet ugly rollercoaster.
I'd just like to hear some perspectives and experiences if anything. I don't know many poly people so it is difficult to speak about this with most.