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Old 08-06-2012, 12:26 PM
snowmelt snowmelt is offline
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 172

Originally Posted by cherrygirl View Post
You're right, we don't really talk about our feelings. Neither one of grew up in environment where it was safe to do so. My mother wouldn't tolerate any dissenting opinions from my sisters and I and his mother would use anything he told her as ammunition to hurt him with. So, we carried that into adult life. The closer I get to someone, the less I can handle being vulnerable. He is just closed up period. I am therapy and have been for many years working on my issues, but he is afraid of therapy. Either way neither one of us are good communicators.
Resolving this is the next step for both of you, not finding other people to be intimate with. It sounds like real communication feels threatening to both of you right now. You need to get to a place where really talking is fun and feels good. Eventually, that place may not be with him. It won't be if you do the work on you and he doesn't want to do the work on him. Start the work between the two of you anyway, to give it a chance. Do the work because you want to be happy, not because you want to be poly. The real question is always "what do I need to do for myself to be happy". If, when the two of you are able to talk openly and easily, you discover poly is what you want to do, then go for it. I think part of the reason you want poly right now is to get relief (escape from) from your relationship with your husband - the place where everyone is afraid to talk. That feels stifling. Keep in mind poly is about multiple meaningful relationships, not relief.

It is important to understand your priority needs to be the relationship you have right now with your husband. That means your next step is to work on yourself until you get to the place where you know if this relationship will resolve and work for both of you, end altogether, become a friendship, etc. From there, you'll be able to see more clearly if poly is where you want to go. If you try to go there right now from the relationship you have right now, you won't be clear about what you really want, and the new relationships you find will be made of the same stuff this one is.

Last edited by snowmelt; 08-06-2012 at 01:16 PM.
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