View Single Post
  #17  
Old 08-05-2012, 11:59 PM
nightrush's Avatar
nightrush nightrush is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Farmington Hills, MI
Posts: 48
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by GalaGirl View Post
Whoa. My head hurts just reading that.

If I understand right. A, B, and C (you) were a 9 mos triad.

Now since A and you come to find that you are not romantically compatible, but better off dialing it down to friends, you are left wondering how to cope.

Because B is the hinge then. Still with you and A.

Then this is made complicated because A & B live together? Where do YOU live?
The break up is only a week old.

I think everyone could spent a little while just chilling out.

While thinking about how to mourn the ending of the previous configuration with OTHER people -- family, friends, etc. Give the triad people some space to clear the air, let the emotional storm blow on through.

Also gives you a change to sort out your wants, needs, limits for the first 3 mos. (One page, bullet list, each person.)

You seen to WANT

That the V end up cozy like sharing not just a house but a bed? (That's kind of unrealistic to me at this stage of the game)

To be let off the hook for "leaving" under previous agreement. (I would "leave" if only in spirit to end previous contract. Rest a bit, and then try to draw up new contract. I don't know if you can take a vacation, or dial contact down to phone/lunch visits but no sleepovers -- just to create a sense of closure for the previous configuration before trying to move on to the next.


B WANTS:

Both A and C happy.

A WANTS

Willing to entertain hearing what B needs to be happy to see if he could be on board? (Or is be being cling-on and just going with something he does NOT want so as not to lose B? Be honest here.)


So far I'm hearing WANTS.

I am not seeing anyone listing NEEDS for HOW to accomplish the goal.

Like
  • I need this to move super slow.
  • I need a time apart to bring closure to the previous
  • I need to not be living together while we try on this V so I don't have to look at NRE gushies
  • I need to eventually (A? B? C?) date other people?
  • What are the actual NEEDS of the people here?

I'm also not hearing anyone expressing LIMITS. Soft limits that can be negotiated in time, or hard limits.
  • I have a soft limit -- I cannot live together right now. Too weird. I could negotiate that again later down in time. (??)
  • A is not good at communication and owning his own bag? That would be a limit to the success of the enterprise. How will this be addressed? How will he do the work with the support and nurture of the rest? Because everyone has to own a piece of THAT elephant in some way.

I don't know what kind of new framework you will come to but do think about how to want to agree to be together -- rights and responsibilities to hold up so you can be in right relationship with each other. Those are mine.


I'm sorry to hear you had a break up. But I hope you can navigate it smoothly to where you all need to be at next.

GL!

hugs
GalaGirl
Gala,

My head hurts at time when i think about this and i think that each persons relationship is different. I think i have an advantage is that i am a Hr professional and i have learned how to separate emotion from logic, as that is what i have to do every day. This allows me to see what happened and not get my personal emotions all tied up into it.

I do like your list and i think i may submit that to both of them and see what they come back with.

A little more history, Partner a and b were "open" and that is where i came in. Partner A would be devastated every time partner b went out and played and partner b was ok with going on the next 30 years not having partner a not filling his needs and being in an open relationship.

I guess i serve a great purpose, that is to help their relationship, i learned what unconditional love was though them. Sadly, all of my other relationships were more like business. Older partner got a cute younger guy and i got taken care of. Now that i am past that stage in my life, the man that introduced me to unconditional love, i do not want to loose, that is why i need him. Partner B (the one that introduced me to unconditional love) says he needs both of us, and he has never felt this way about 2 people....

Again headache yes.

So i live about 30 minutes away from them and i am trying to give those that need the space, space and those that need attention, attention...

Its funny... i never thought this would be this much work, however, the payoff of happiness is worth it all.
Reply With Quote