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Old 08-05-2012, 11:20 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 3,976
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Whoa. My head hurts just reading that.

If I understand right. A, B, and C (you) were a 9 mos triad.

Now since A and you come to find that you are not romantically compatible, but better off dialing it down to friends, you are left wondering how to cope.

Because B is the hinge then. Still with you and A.

Then this is made complicated because A & B live together? Where do YOU live?
The break up is only a week old.

I think everyone could spent a little while just chilling out.

While thinking about how to mourn the ending of the previous configuration with OTHER people -- family, friends, etc. Give the triad people some space to clear the air, let the emotional storm blow on through.

Also gives you a change to sort out your wants, needs, limits for the first 3 mos. (One page, bullet list, each person.)

You seen to WANT

That the V end up cozy like sharing not just a house but a bed? (That's kind of unrealistic to me at this stage of the game)

To be let off the hook for "leaving" under previous agreement. (I would "leave" if only in spirit to end previous contract. Rest a bit, and then try to draw up new contract. I don't know if you can take a vacation, or dial contact down to phone/lunch visits but no sleepovers -- just to create a sense of closure for the previous configuration before trying to move on to the next.


B WANTS:

Both A and C happy.

A WANTS

Willing to entertain hearing what B needs to be happy to see if he could be on board? (Or is be being cling-on and just going with something he does NOT want so as not to lose B? Be honest here.)


So far I'm hearing WANTS.

I am not seeing anyone listing NEEDS for HOW to accomplish the goal.

Like
  • I need this to move super slow.
  • I need a time apart to bring closure to the previous
  • I need to not be living together while we try on this V so I don't have to look at NRE gushies
  • I need to eventually (A? B? C?) date other people?
  • What are the actual NEEDS of the people here?

I'm also not hearing anyone expressing LIMITS. Soft limits that can be negotiated in time, or hard limits.
  • I have a soft limit -- I cannot live together right now. Too weird. I could negotiate that again later down in time. (??)
  • A is not good at communication and owning his own bag? That would be a limit to the success of the enterprise. How will this be addressed? How will he do the work with the support and nurture of the rest? Because everyone has to own a piece of THAT elephant in some way.

I don't know what kind of new framework you will come to but do think about how to want to agree to be together -- rights and responsibilities to hold up so you can be in right relationship with each other. Those are mine.


I'm sorry to hear you had a break up. But I hope you can navigate it smoothly to where you all need to be at next.

GL!

hugs
GalaGirl
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