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Old 08-05-2012, 07:26 PM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 7,723

I'm pooped out. Really. Ha! I'm going full throttle in so many areas of life. Most of which I can't talk about here. Sigh... Here goes. Will try and write a bit because it always helps.

I had a fantastic day yesterday. I went to a electronic music festival with my husband of 11 years this weekend. The night before we celebrated by going out for dinner. Later I spent the night in my own bed with Mono as a guest. He complained that I wasn't sleeping with my husband on our anniversary. Seriously, it makes no difference any more who spends time when and on what occasion, yet he clings to our old mono ways. Well, his mono ways. PN and I have never been regular in our marriage. Why start on our 11th anniversary. It was a lot to even go out for a meal! The flowers and card blew me away, lol! I'm blowing PN away tonight with a toast at dinner with my parents a card and a present. The parents love to hear we are still going strong and doing fine.

So back to the festival... PN, LB and I wandered down to meet up with Brad, his wife and boy. LB spent the whole time quietly sitting amongst the dancers and crazy costumes. He was overwhelmed I think, but I was also wondering if he has noticed that we spend a lot of time with Brad and his family.

Brad's boy is 4 and LB is 9. LB asked if he is suppose to look after him at one point. I explained he didn't have to do anything he didn't want to but I asked that he at least be polite to the boy. I wonder how much he misses Leo's kids, his friends of three years and whether he is processing the loss of them. I suspect that PN and Mono are also processing that too as they have been weary of inviting new people into our lives. So far I have left it alone and continue to explore my new relationship and the depth it could have.

Brad and his wife have invited me in and opened their hearts almost entirely it seems. Such as it goes when new to poly. Open to everything is how it rolls. I am flattered and honoured and also apprehensive myself. It seems so delicate to be so open now. So trusting. I don't want to be hurt, I don't want my loves to be hurt, I don't want to hurt them and I don't want, most of all, my boy LB to have to mourn any loss on my part. Its part of life, but its taken its toll on me this last year knowing I had something to do with causing it.

Brad's family is going through a lot of emotional turmoil at the moment in regards to other relationships going on in their lives. It reminds me of what my life was like about four or five years ago. Its tiring, makes me impatient and due to those involved, causes me a great deal of stress and anxiety. Its to do with Leo's wife.

This community is way to small sometimes for me who has been told by someone in their past that they never want to see me again. Its really impossible to NOT be in someones life in some way when you are in a community of poly people. Now I have found that my metamour is possibly interested in a woman that is also connected to this same person and I am again stressed and anxious about what might come and how to make myself scarce.

It came to a head for me last weekend when there was a swingers party put on by some friends of mine that a group of my friends were going to including my gf and her husband. I don't swing at all but it was a social gathering with some cock sucking etc. as part of the entertainment. Whatever, I know where I stand on all that and that is good enough for me. I purposely didn't go so that Leo's wife didn't want me in her life didn't have to see me. I am trying to be repsectful of her space in the community, but I find myself unable to be when it pushes my boundries. I did that for a lot of my relationship with her husband and I got resentful that night of how much I am honouring her request for me to not be in her life. I have come to the conclusion that if she has a problem she can make some choices too to not be in mine. For some reason I didn't think of that before now. I've decided to let it go and just do whatever suits me. See if that ends my anxiety.

Some input on where she is at and where Leo is at would be welcome at this point as time changes things and they might not care as much as I think they do. Although I've posted this now and part of their beef with me is that I write this blog with them in it. As if everyone knows who they are. I've been on the verge of just contacting them and finding out where they are at actually. If it weren't for the situation between them and Brad's family I likely would of by now. Part of me thinks its them that should reach out. After all it was them that said some nasty stuff to me.

Ken texted me this week a day before the agreed upon end of the week. He asked how I was and told me he missed me. He asked to call sometime but has made no attempt. I wonder if its because I explained to him again what it would take to be able to spend time together again. Again I explained that he needed to talk to his new mono gf about what she would like to have with him in terms of a relationship. If she says she is okay with him loving others but not being romanticly involved, perhaps we can resume our friendship. If she freaks on that idea then I will say "merry meet, merry part and merry meet again" and let it go until another time. I have three days of work with her coming up this week and I can feel the stress rising because of it. She's been off for a little over a week and will be off again for another chunk of time after. Having the space to breath and let time work stuff out has really helped.
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