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Old 08-05-2012, 07:07 PM
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DarayTala DarayTala is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: York, PA
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@Magdlyn - We started out in a 24/7 Mistress/slave relationship. We realized pretty early on that it wouldn't work. He had originally thought he wanted a very strict Mistress, and no emotional connection or love and affection. I didn't really believe that was the case and wanted an emotional relationship, but also liked the idea of having a fulltime slave, so we decided to try it out. By the time we had gotten to know eachother in the first few months, before we even were in a serious relationship, we definitely were developing strong feelings and knew we wanted a partnership as well. After a while we gave up the M/s aspect because Lady did not want to be under that much control, and I didn't really want to have to be responsible all the time. Mostly it was his decision, but I supported it and was happier with how our relationship evolved. We tried a less strict submissive relationship a bit down the line, but again that just didn't seem to fit what we wanted. We are still comfortable being just as kinky in the bedroom when we feel like it, its just not a structure we have governing the rest of our lives anymore. I don't think either of us miss the 24/7 BDSM lifestyle, some aspects were nice, but we were able to get closer without that in the way. We both still love the kink, its just in the bedroom only and something we only engage in when we feel like it. It might help to introduce it into our bedroom play a little bit more though.

I definitely sympathize with what you are saying. I'm definitely able to get sex with my other partners any time I'd like, but what I miss is sex with Lady, not just sex in general. I actually don't have an extremely high sex drive, though not a low one either. I just am not used to sex so very infrequently, or being rejected so very often.

@lovefromgirl - I'm considering any kind of sexual contact to be sex. I would be more than happy to enjoy anything, from mutual masturbation to all out penetration. He also has pretty much lost interest in masturbating entirely. Before this drop in sex drive he would have the desire to masturbate or have sex almost daily, or at least a few times a week. From what hes told me, in this seven month dry spell hes only masturbated once.

I do think theres a possibility its because of emotional issues. The two of us both suffer from bi-polar disorder and are prone to be more sexual during the months of a manic phase, and less sexual when in a depressive phase. These phases can last for as little as a few weeks and as long as a few years. I can fully understand the drop in sex drive, because I can vary from wanting sex multiple times a day, to only wanting it once a week or so. The extreme infrequency here is whats bothering me, along with the fact that Lady has been in worse mental places in the past without it affecting his sex drive, so this is a little bit odd. I guess my hope is finding a compromise so we are both able to satisfy the other, even when that drive to have sex is less strong. Being able to enjoy it for the intimacy even when that carnal urge isn't there, is important to me.

@CielDuMatin - Thank you for the advice, I would definitely be up to seeing a counselor if I could talk Lady into it. He has a strong aversion to that sort of thing because of many bad past experiences with being forced into therapy, or trusting therapists and then being misdiagnosed or given medications that caused a lot of negative side effects and worsened his problems. I am hoping we can find a way to talk things out on our own first, because I'm not sure he is willing to talk to an outside person. He also does not like opening up to people. He does so more with me than anyone else, but its very hard for him because of abuse as a child and some bad relationships. I don't know if he would be able to talk to a stranger even if he tried.

I did make an attempt to discuss this with him earlier and I did feel like we made a little bit of progress. I think part of the issue is that he needs a lot of alone time and wants to do his own thing often. He does spend some time with me during the day, but usually its just joining me while I am in the middle of doing something myself, which is nice because I love his company. We realized though that it might help if he instead just asked for me to come spend time with him when I wasn't in the middle of something, so that the time could be more spent focusing on eachother. I think one problem is that when we are hanging out, by the time we aren't doing some other activity and I want to have sex, he wants to have a bit of space and a bit more time for himself. If we spend more of our time enjoying cuddling and seeing if it does lead to more intimacy, or at least focusing on eachother, maybe it will help the problem a little.

That said, the fact that hes lost interest even in masturbation still worries me. That kind of extreme decline in sex drive is just kind of hard for me to understand.

I hope the added information helps, and any insight you can offer is very welcome. And thank you to those who have already given me advice or support, I really appreciate it. It helps to even just be able to let out my frustrations and feel like I'm not the only one going through this.
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