Before I met my current boyfriends, I went on a lot of dates (through a polyamory dating site) with married men. They all claimed, in the initial email exchange, to have a happy and solid marriage. Often the wife had a boyfriend. There seemed to be a pattern (I encountered this maybe 5 times within a couple of months): married guy falls in love with someone, maybe cheats, maybe comes clean right away, the couple starts talking about opening up the relationship, do this under the condition that guy ends it with his crush, wife starts dating and pretty soon finds someone, leaving the guy resentful that he is now a) seeing his wife have fun b) had to give up his crush.
First date, they talked about the beauty of being in an open relationship, how monogamy was so stifling, how liberated they felt. And then, sometimes as soon as towards the end of the first date, sometimes on the second date, there would be a tiny but nasty little comment about their wives neglecting them now that she had a boyfriend. About tension and struggles in the marriage. About 'just wanting to have a good time'. At the same time I would sense resentment about the wife going out and having a good time. And I always got the feeling that what they were looking for was not an additional relationship, but something that could help them cope with the fact that their marriage was no longer exciting.
The BF I met eventually is in another relationship, but not married or living together. He sees her much more often than he sees me, and he talks about her with love, respect and enthusiasm. I would say that is my ideal situation. He has kids who live with him, but when I go visit him only the kids are there and no wife (his GF is not the mother of his kids) which makes the situation a lot easier for me.
My other boyfriend was recently divorced when I met him, and seeing someone - a woman he spent about 1 weekend a month with. He wanted more from her, she could not give it (she had 2 other relationships). Still I liked the fact that he was involved with someone, and when she broke up with him (because she could not stomach the fact that he got involved with me - oh the irony) that bothered me a little. He was still hurting from his divorce, feeling lonely sometimes, and I was worried that he would become too dependent on me.
That never really happened though, we've been together almost 7 months now and things are great. Of course NOW I'm beginning to worry that I (being married and also seeing other BF) am not enough for him, and that he will soon look for and find someone else...
Both my BF's have expressed that they like the fact that I am married. They are both not looking for a #1 primary relationship. (though I guess BF #2 eventually will want this - but not with me). They both met my husband. Now that my husband is going through a bit of a rough patch with his GF (that's an understatement) this upset me too, and I was able to talk about it with both BF's. These were some really beautiful and incredible experiences for me. I would never have expected for either boyfriend to be interested in my husbands heartache, but they are, they ask me how he's doing, and share their thoughts about it.
Cleo - forties straight female
Ren - husband of 20 years
Bo - BF of 1+ year
Lou & Jane - Ren's girlfriends
Lin - Bo's other GF
Last edited by Cleo; 08-05-2012 at 10:00 AM.