Hello. So I'm new to just about everything and I mean everything. I'm 18 (almost 19) and just got my first ever boyfriend almost two months ago. He is 34, 16 years my senior, and has been in an open relationship with his fiance for four years now. I knew him for a few months before we actually got together from college. I am a very shy and quiet girl so it's hard for me to make friends sometimes but we hit it off right away as he was very outgoing and promised to break me out of my shell of shyness.
As we got to know each other I found out about his girlfriend and though I had never been in a relationship before I always thought of myself as open minded and was curious about the whole thing. Through out most of the quarter in college there was flirting between us which finally lead to the last day of school when I gave him my number. Since then we started seeing each other, mostly just on weekends since we live somewhat far apart and he is going to school full time again.
He has taken many of my firsts and introduced me to many new things, but I'm not with him just because of sexual desire. I truly enjoy being around him and even his fiance so it sometimes hurts to think of one of the main rules he had set when we first started seeing each other. That rule being that I cannot fall in love with him.
That one rule has caused me so much confusion and stress. When I first agreed to it I was not looking to fall in love and am still not. I'm not looking to move in with him or get married, but I do feel strongly about him and hope our relationship can last a long while. What if I did unknowingly fall for him though? Would that mean we would have to breakup because of that love?
I have also noticed that I have become increasingly jealous of his fiance and their relationship. Its so confusing though because part of what I like about him is how much he loves and trusts her. Maybe I just wish I was the primary partner?
Any advice on how to overcome my worries and insecurities would be greatly appreciated.