Originally Posted by monogamishSF
@LovingRadience: what if it was the tight boundaries that made her feel trapped, and this is how it manifested? That's what she says happened. She says following the boundaries was fine until she was in the moment, and when she was alone with her OSO, in practice, she couldn't hang with my boundaries. And that made her feel controlled, and made her "snap" and that's how the mistake happened. Now, I feel totally justified giving her the same boundaries, but anything stricter would be suffocating since I already asked them not to sleep together yet. I'm afraid tightening the limits would land us in the same place. UGH.
In my opinion-actions have consequences.
If she felt like it wasn't hanging at the moment-she had a RESPONSIBILITY to say to the other person, "dude, I have to go talk to my partner, cause I really am wanting xyz, but that is NOT part of our agreement and it's important to me that I REMAIN TRUSTWORTHY to all of my partners by being upfront, honest and true to the promises I make."
Then take her happy ass home to address the issue.
She CHOOSE not to do that. She CHOOSE to do something that was not agreeable and she's RESPONSIBLE for RE-EARNING YOUR TRUST because SHE BROKE IT.
Now-does that suck? HELL YES!
I make a choice to have an affair.
I love my husband-at the time I had all sorts of rationalization explanations.
But-the bottom line is I LIED and I BROKE OUR AGREEMENT.
That has resulted in spending 3 years-yes THREE YEARS re-earning his trust and guess what...
it's not fully re-earned. Because its ALWAYS harder to REBUILD trust after its been broken.
Had I asked to be poly while trust was secure between us-there would have been a lot of work involved.
But, the fact that I broke trust-makes it MORE work.
That said-I'm not saying you should hold her back for 3 years.
I'm saying-she needs to respect that SHE LIED and SHE BROKE A PROMISE because agreeing to boundaries is making a promise.
Therefore, she doesn't have the same level of "privileges" within your relationship, because she doesn't have the same level of TRUST.
Much like a roommate-if they respect my space and property, over time they may be welcome to borrow my belongings without asking.
BUT if they steal from me or they break something and lie about it etc; they are not only going to lose the option of borrowing my things without asking, they're probably going to lose the privilege of LIVING WITH ME. But, even if I am agreeable to "trying to rebuild trust" and them continuing to live iwth me, I'm NOT going to allow them to borrow ANYTHING without asking-because they BROKE MY TRUST and THEY HAVE TO RE-EARN IT.
If on the other hand they borrowed something-and it got destroyed, but they came to me and told me honestly-I would be hurt or whatever about he destroyed object-but I would trust them MORE because they were HONEST with me.
So-in my opinion her "excuse" that it was too strict of a boundary, is bullshit.
Monogamy was too strict a boundary for me. BUT I HAD AGREED TO IT-and I owed it to my partner to tell him UPFRONT that it wasn't going to work and why so we could re-negotiate.
That's what adults do-they honestly, respectfully address their issues with one another so that they can renegotiate options that will work for everyone.
It's not adult behavior, responsible behavior, poly behavior, loving behavior, mature behavior or reasonable behavior to sneak around someones back, lie, break promises etc.