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Old 08-03-2012, 05:53 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 6,091

I get the feeling that your needs may not be being met, and your girlfriend may not be respecting your boundaries; probably because she doesn't know what your needs and boundaries are. Spell it out to her now. Let her know that you feel slighted when she doesn't respond to your messages, be flexible (like you have been) but also be firm. Your needs and boundaries are worthy of being respected. Never forget that!
Nicely written there.

Own your own bag. Stop pussyfooting. You have the responsibility to know and state your wants, needs and limits.

Start making it concrete. Stop being vague.

Example: If you KNOW you get jealous when you are all on the program, own it.
  • Tell them both you feel jealous. You are trying to work on it and will be experimenting and appreciate their patience and support.
  • Stop using the program. Prob solved?
  • Use the program, and live with the fact that others are on there using it. Prob solved?
  • Tell her to make herself invisible on it and/or him. There. You don't have to look at it. Prob solved? (Not the best way, but solved enough for now perhaps.)
  • Remember you spend time with her in X area, so her spending time in Y program isn't a big thing. Prob solved?

I mean, do you get jealous they use the whole internet? Breathe the air you breathe? C'mon. That is YOUR baggage to own IF she's doing nothing malicious or mean or thoughtless to rub your nose in it in a mean way.

But she isn't a mind reader -- spell out your wants, needs, limits to YOURSELF and then to your poly peeps!

she cuddled and loved us both, but i still felt that she was way more involved with him
Sounds fine. What is your prob that you feel like she is more involved with him? Are yout counting kisses or something? What does she have to do to give you support and nurture so you can relax and give yourself permission to feel/get secure?

Is she doing it? X dates a week? Y phone calls? Being full present when it is your date time?

If she does all she can in the support and nurture areas? Then the problem is YOU and that you are not secure because you are not doing your work. And that is something only YOU can fix from within.

Work on this. She cannot MAKE you feel secure any more than she can make it rain or the sun shine. Feelings are just there, internal weather. We do not choose to feel it when we feel it. We can choose how to behave in response -- REACT or ACT WITH INTENT.

So... where you gonna take it next? This business of holding/owning your own baggage? She can help you unpack -- worries, fears, insecurities. She can even suggest that the blue shirt doesn't flatter you much. But it is YOU who has to throw out what no longer serves you and then repack your baggage and carry a lighter load. Personal growth.

Only you can decided to do this.


Last edited by GalaGirl; 08-03-2012 at 05:58 PM.
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