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Old 08-03-2012, 02:47 AM
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NovemberRain NovemberRain is offline
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Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 712

I like what other posters have said. (especially Jane Q, I'm a rabid fan

Originally Posted by WhatHappened View Post
Keep in mind that, although I've heard of open marriages, the whole concept of polyamory was brand new to me. Moreover, he was more of a swinger, and up until now, his actual relationships have always been online. This is a first for him in a number of ways, too.
I wanted to point out that this could have a lot to do with it. Having lived in marriage, with whatever ghosts of expectations live in one's soul, no matter how dedicated to poly one might be, can have an effect. To have a real girlfriend, and to experience the joys of someone who enjoys you ALL the time, and doesn't have huge expectations, has a very different effect.

I dated a lovely, lovely boy once. I knew that he and I were absolutely not 'forever' material. We were just too different. But he was brilliant and pretty, and loved me a lot (still does actually, just has a different girlfriend). I was having such a fabulous time, and I was amazed that I was able to be into it, and that I was able to not be attached to turning him into a 'forever' sort of partner. He ended it, (well, it's a good story for another day, he expressed a condition and I couldn't abide, so we ended it) and I was so sad and disappointed because I was having such a great time. It was a very different experience for me than most of my relationships.

At nine months, you're likely still very much in NRE, too.

Originally Posted by WhatHappened View Post
Right now, I like things exactly as they are. But, I struggle with the idea that relationships should 'go somewhere,' grow toward something bigger, and this really won't. I'm happy with it now...but I realize in a year or five, I may want a whole lot more...more time, sharing a house, knowing if one of us moves, we'd move together, planning for retirement, supporting each other financially, the things a normal couple eventually does.
But you're not a normal couple (and that's a large part of why it's fabulous ~ you don't have to deal with some 'normal' couple guy pressuring you into all those normal couple things while you're still not there). You're a polyship, or a poly tangle or whatever.

Originally Posted by WhatHappened View Post
So what does any of this mean to those in the polyamory lifestyle? Is there ever really any forever and what does it look like?
There are likely lots of polyfidelitous 'forever' tangles. We may not hear much about them on a forum like this, because they're busy diapering kids and tutoring or volunteering or whatever they do in life.

But even forever isn't forever. Nobody gets out alive.

Originally Posted by WhatHappened View Post
Is he just living in a fantasy world without really thinking this through--for instance telling me he wants forever with me while he's talking about trying to move away?
Again, could be NRE. All that yummy stuff you want and your brain naturally goes to, without considering practical realities. Lots of people just out with thoughts and feelings before wondering at the effect of the words, or the actual possibilities. I remembering expressing my embarrassment at thinking on babies to a wonderful man, who completely reassured me that it would be very odd if I weren't thinking about babies. It's oxytocin's fault.
Love is that condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own...
Robert A. Heinlein

Me: female, bi, (formerly hinge of a vee)
with FirstBoyFriend (FBF)(moderately long-distance)
and no longer with CurrentBoyFriend (CBF)(who now lives in a house far away-with stairs I can't climb)
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