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Old 08-03-2012, 01:37 AM
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lovefromgirl lovefromgirl is offline
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Another "answering the question without reading the thread" response:

Originally Posted by WhatHappened View Post
I'm happy with it now...but I realize in a year or five, I may want a whole lot more...more time, sharing a house, knowing if one of us moves, we'd move together, planning for retirement, supporting each other financially, the things a normal couple eventually does.
FWIW, I went into polyamory wanting a lot of that, too. We did realise that living together and combining finances would be impractical, but the rest of it is all there. We were talking about his retirement as early as two or three dates in, and I had that "Don't leave me!" moment.

To which he replied that he wouldn't. Because he is awesome that way. And after a lot of reassurance, I realised he meant it. I have a hard time trusting that people will stay; assume there was a LOT of reassurance in that picture.

He started the relationship saying he knows it has to end someday, that I'll find someone who can give me all of the above. He hasn't said that in a long time.
See, we never said that first part about what we have. I don't think either of us would've bothered if we weren't in it for the long haul. We are also both avowedly poly, and his partner is monogamous but a great sport.

A month ago, he said if, god forbid, anything happened to his wife, he'd give up his many years of swinging 'for the right person.'
Also something I have to admit was never on the table for us, precisely because we're both poly.

I said children being born, growing, milestones, careers changes, moving together, expecting to grow old together, knowing someone is going to be there if you're in the hospital. His answer was that he and I can go through career changes and milestones together. He asked, "Don't you know I'd be there with you if you were in the hospital?"
Yup, we had that talk, too. Pretty formally. The three of us sat down and discussed the possibility that two of us would end up in hospital at once, and what to do if it's the two ends of the V? (In case you were wondering: God forbid this happen, she'd like him to consider her first, but if one of us is drastically worse . . . )

There won't be children. We've chosen that. If I want them with someone down the line, fine, but not the three of us. As for the rest, he's there and helping.

Is there a reason he can't be there for the kids? And has he said he's not interested in making decisions to move with your input? You might want to discuss those things instead of assuming them.

Our forever is as solid and as foggy as anyone else's forever. We don't know what will happen. We plan for what we know and we stay ready to cope with the rest. Isn't that all anyone can do? What matters more is intent. We intend to make it a damn long time. (They will go first. I have to deal. So forever is shortish for us.) We've sat down and discussed how our goals mesh, so we don't need to wonder about that part. You might find a similar discussion helps you.
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