She's not pushing me terribly hard, it was a question that came up today because we will be in a place this weekend where the individual in question will undoubtedly be.
KISS -- keep it simple silly. If you attend this function as a date, she is with YOU and she will notify the person that all she will do it say hello should their paths cross. It is a date with YOU.
Other choice -- go elsewhere for date where person is not.
Other choice -- she goes, you go elsewhere. Reschedule date some other date.
Keeping the unfortunate metas far away from each other for one month is not rocket science, here. C'mon.
So when I say, is there anything you want to say to me, and she says, I'm in pain, where do we go from there? Back to step 1, where I say sorry, I'm in pain too so I can't help? Seems fair but also... mean.
Yep. That is what you say. It is raw, open, human, HONEST. That is all. A salute to the pain you both feel is all it needs to be. A simple "Yah. It sucks here. But here we be. For now."
You are in a dark time. So what? There's been light times. Just remember broken hearts keep on beating.
Just wondering I guess if anyone has found a way to push by this and still be there for a mourning partner that was a dick. But, maybe you're right and I need to put my foot down and let her feel what it's like to handle this without me, since she earned it.
Yup. Everyone owns their own baggage on this one for now! She owns hers. You own yours. Put foot down. I'd be firm like:
You can share this stuff more deeply with other people. Pick up your own marbles. See your mother, your other friends, whatever. But dude, on THIS one? At this initial stage? Damn, I suffer too. I can't go to MY best person either. You it! Christ. I have to collect my OWN marbles that got spilled!
So LATER we can unpack baggage and sort out what no longer serves and move it forward with calmer, cooler heads. In this time of picking up spilled hot head marbles? That we have to do alone. Find the Gelfling people for our own selves. We can regroup to talk in a month with calmer heads.
I always think of the poem in the Dark Crystal.
When single shines the triple sun
What was sundered and undone
Shall be whole, the two made one
By gelfling hand or else by none.
You BOTH need outsider input to break you out of the rut. You turned here. She can turn here or wherever else. To get the new perspective to help crack the problem.
The UrRu and the Skeksis could not
come back to be the UrSkek without the help of outside friends of the Gelfling race.
I know that gets a bit trippy/kiddie (I'm a parent, I have kid methods sometimes for Big Concepts). But it's still what this is. You need outsider input. If you think it merits it -- check a pro counselor to help guide you out of this mire if you both are willing to put in the work.
Depriving her of support makes me feel like a less-than partner in her time of need, and I don't really want to alienate her even though she alienated me in her mistakes. Too forgiving, you think? BE HONEST! I'm just trying to check myself because it's so easy to stay bitter even though bitterness doesn't breed progress. UGH!!!
Be firm. WITH YOURSELF. Don't weenie out on yourself now. You have been hurt in a vulnerable place by someone who is supposed to love you and protect you. How is feeling UGH about that being a less-than partner?!
You are within your rights to be upset, and you are within your rights to ask for the intensity volume to turn down. Piling MORE of her baggage on your back? When she went thoughtless and dumped baggage on ya? C'mon.
You don't ding a porcupine and then ask the porcupine to chop off it's quills so you can ding them easier next time. You learn NOT TO DING THEM. And you can't get the porcupine to uncurl until it is ready to do so and no longer feels threatened.
OWN that the sight of her suffering bothers you. Learn to be comfortable with that. You are not sucking her sorrow like a vampire. But some things in her life will NOT be for you to solve. You do that? You hinder HER own personal growth in owning some things about herself that are not so great. SHE must own that and work through it to be a better partner to anyone -- not just you. Do you want a Jedi partner or not?
Even Luke had to face his crap in the cave in Dagobah.
Yoda would NOT go in there with him.
Keep your noses clean, and move like Jedi through this swamp mess. We teach others how we want to be treated. You have opportunity to grow better conflict resolution skills here in yourself and with her. You have an opportunity here to see yourself handle yourself with grace in a tough place. You have opportunity here to call her into account for a transgression firmly but kindly. And see if she's from the Jedi Order or from the Muppet Show in how she rises up to the challenge.
THAT knowledge will save you so much grief later if she's a Muppet and you cut this rship loose, and will bring you so much peace if she's a Jedi in future conflict if you stay together.
I have sick humor... that's what I use to help me endure.
When here in this place? I chant to myself.
Grace under pressure... grace under pressure. Grace is inner harmony of the soul. Anyone else dings me I'm gonna shout "I am fucking having inner harmony of the soul here under great pressure!" I prickly! I need space! Take heed! Or I punch yo' face! See me being graceful?! I am graceful! GRRRR! I poop diamonds I'm so graceful! GRRR!"
Have another. *hug*
Hang in there.