If I want to stay with him I will have to think of him more as a tertiary person since he doesn't want as much involvement. Still trying to get used to this and process this.
Bingo. There ya go. You hit it on the head. I don't use those words -- primary, secondary, tertiary. But since you
do... maybe you could sit with him and decide that yes. This is a tertiary thing now
in this time and in this place. And probably for the next (what 6 mos?) timeframe. Fly it like that and draw up your formal rights/responsibilites for the thing that now is.
For the next 6 mos, this is a tertiary relationship. In this tertiary relationship we agree to be together like THIS -- my wants, needs, limits. Your wants, needs, limits. We expect these things ______. This contract will be revisited and reviewed on ____ date____.
Whether or not you can hack this -- that's something else. YOU have to decide if you are in this or not, and HOW you are willing to be in this.
I thought I heard this limit expressed in your post. Was it expressed this clearly?
"I need to hear about any change in plans at least 24 hrs (a day?) in advance. And if not hearing within 24 of the appt, I move on without your input.
I think that is a reasonable limit to have. Because other people's lives are knit in here. Can't be dicking me around when all it takes is a phone call to SAY. Sheesh. In my universe
, dumb things like that could be time to break out the 3 strikes you are out if this is a CHRONIC lack of consideration.
As you saw your own DH's cranky at HIS life being put on hold for your BF being all shilly shally (if he is dragging on calling with schedule stuff) or YOU being all shilly shally (not liking the call and hoping he'd change his mind and not wanting to move it forward) -- there are other people around with wants, needs, and limits. More when BF gets a new GF.
So own your own baggage! Wherever there is baggage to be owned.
It just sounded like perhaps you hadn't stated that limit super crystal clear to him or yourself and you were struggling to do so?
Get your limits clear. What other limits need to be brought into SHARP focus?