I read your very sincere and articulate reply yesterday. As I was reading it, I got the feeling I should wait until now to reply. I didn't know why. I honored that feeling. I now know why. I was just sitting down at the computer getting ready to answer your "how are we incompatible?" question, when I read your latest reply:
Originally Posted by mv1976
Since we opened our relationship, and maybe even before, it seemed Ted's attitude was, 'Well, I'm not breaking any rules, so I shouldn't have to deal with or hear about any of your feelings about what I'm doing.' That's a simplification, but that's how it came across. He kept his hurt feelings and adjusting attitudes mostly to himself when I started seeing other people first, and it was then encumbent upon / expected of me that I do the same when he started dating someone else. But I just never did and still don't work that way.
It's much better to acknowledge the hurt, break it down, and decide together, as you noted, who is going to be responsible for what part. It could still come out that the feelings are not reasonable based on the causes, but it's better to figure out together whether they are or not.
It takes both of you to create an incompatible relationship. The words I quoted above describe his side of it. I see a lot of anger in those words. Ted is angry. Don't be tempted to try to resolve his anger. You can't. It's his to resolve. You'll find your side of the incompatibility issue by answering this question: Why are YOU attracted to someone who operates this way? This question does have an answer. Only you can reach deep down inside yourself and find it.
The answer to why are you and Ted incompatible is - the combination of the words I quoted, and YOUR ATTRACTION to someone who operates this way. Add them together and you get the drama of incompatibility.
You said all relationships have a degree of incompatibility to them. This is not true at all. There is no "natural" degree of incompatibility to all relationships. You have convinced yourself of this because all of YOUR relationships have a degree of incompatibility to them (a large degree). Instead of continuing to make this assumption, I highly recommend you take a clear look at yourself and ask the question I posed earlier: Why are you attracted to someone who operates this way?
I'll say it again:
Until YOU discover in YOURSELF the reason YOU are attracted to people who operate like Ted, you will continue to draw people into your life who you are not compatible with. Those relationships will continue to operate on drama. Look at this. Learn from this. Find what you need to find in YOURSELF, so you can move away from the drama and live your life JOYFULLY.