Forewarning, this will be a long one
This isn’t something I would normally share with the world. Blindly fumbling in the dark to find just a crack of light isn’t my normal forte. However, it’s not a bad story, nor an exceptional one at that.
I am T. I am a female. I am bi-curious but like dick more. Married to G, 99% straight male loves to cuddle and pamper. We met by chance, online, through chat. It was a whirlwind to say the least. After talking online and phone for a month, we met. We fell in love. We moved in together after just 4 months of knowing each other. That was 10 years ago.
7 years ago we married in a Wiccan/Pagan inspired ceremony. Nowhere in our vows did we commit to monogamy. I should have seen it, I wrote them myself, haha. Within a year I was suggesting we try adding another woman to our relationship, in order to spice things up and to have a full on loving relationship with this woman. At the time, we knew nothing of polyamory, nor of “Unicorn Hunters”. We feared backlash and excommunication from our families and friends.
Twice we attempted to assimilate a woman into our home, only to have it blow up in our faces. I felt so fucking jealous and hated G for wanting to love these other women. After about 6 months of this, we decided to halt our search and to focus on us. I shut down, emotionally and sexually, for years. Our relationship sagged and suffered. I neglected my husband and he resented me for it.
Fast forward to last year. I finally have the balls to suck it up and start facing my fears, my insecurities and found out why I felt the way I did. We end up moving to a house, outside of the city, in a small community that is so loving it’s unreal. My parents move into our house with us. This is hard, but we all eventually figure out how to have privacy and still share the house. G and I start having serious heart to heart talks about what we want in our relationship. I realize a few things.
1. I was not happy with the relationship. I want to explore something with a woman.
2. I want a family. A child or two of our own.
3. I want G to be happy and have a love that wants to be loved by him, and who can help relieve me (he’s extremely touchy-feely and sometimes it bothers me, as I was raised with food being the source of comfort, not physical attention).
4. G has VERY different taste in women than I do
G and I talk about what kind of relationship we want to pursue. I suggest open relationship, but after discovering that is more about sex than a relationship, we agree that is not for us. We are not interested in swinging. We start looking online for clues as to what we want. We discover this forum, and finally start to understand what we are.
After a long time of talking about it constantly, we begin to understand that we want separate relationships. I don’t want to have a Triad, I want someone else, apart from our relationship, to love. He wants someone else, apart from our relationship, to love. We start on OKC and I immediately discover that most of the women interested in me, are not accepting of a poly relationship. Many inform me that I am a sick and twisted pervert for it. Oh well. I discuss with G, the idea of opening up to looking for both men and women. G is fine with it, but is a bit nervous at the same time. Of course, I get a lot of “interest”, that is, until they discover that I am married and not willing to be a fuck buddy. Oh well (again). G gets depressed that no women are interested in him. He worries that he won’t find the right woman to share his life with. We continue to seek others and see what we find.
Flash forwards a bit, and (after disposing of a few septic potentials), a poly couple contacts me. I start talking with S, who is with P. He is interested in me; P is interested in G. Sounds good. We chat online many times, and skype in a group. We talk about what we want (polyfidelitous relationships), and what we don’t want (casual sex). We have a good time talking, and agree to meet.
S and P come to visit, and bring their son, whom we will call Bean. We have a lovely day, and decide to go to their home for the weekend. We are all operating as friends for now. Slow and steady wins the race, no?
The weekend goes well. We enjoy the company and the new part of the province we had yet to see (about an hour from home). We all feel comfortable with each other. Bean loves us, especially G. This floored me, as G is usually uncomfortable with children. This time he bonded with Bean and enjoyed playing with him. He later told me that P and S and Bean are a package deal. He wants to be with P, and Bean is always going to be a part of her life. I was shocked and very happy to hear (and witness!) this
P and S have their own issues. They are a bit rocky, but have admitted that they are still willing to see us, even if they broke up. It would be individually however, no group dates or anything like that. They don’t plan on breaking up however, and want to work through their issues. Good to hear.
We feel connected, all of us. We are taking this day by day, since we need to develop a decently solid foundation before we build the roof, haha. We talk about what we would like, in the future. Perhaps sharing a house, all 5 of us, in 2 or so years. We will see.
G is feeling big time NRE. He knows it
We talk about it, because he’s excited and wants P to be happy. S and I talk but are more realistic about things, I think. I feel a lot of new feelings for him. I care deeply for all three. We plan on having a few more dates, hopefully individually as well. See how things progress. Right now sex is off the table for everyone. We want to ease into this, not stumble and possibly shatter it. I think it is smart.
The biggest thing is how natural and wonderful it all felt. Knowing we can show affection, touch another intimately and look at another in “that way” without any anger, neither jealousy nor confusion. It’s just great to feel “normal” in our own unique way.
So, here we are. Talking online with each other. They are not out to anyone. G and I are out to my parents and possibly family (if they see our FB, they will know). G’s family knows nothing, and it will stay that way.
I do wonder a few things:
1. If we eventually cohabitate and start families together, how do we explain that to the extended family? I know we could say S donated to father a child for us, and G donated for them. However it seems rather convoluted to me. I know there is time to think about it, but I don’t want it to be something we never think about until it happens.
2. Private space – would be needed. I have pets, and S is allergic to them all. My home will never be pet-free, so they will need to be considered if and when the time comes.
3. Perhaps 2 homes would be better, but next door to each other or something. All I have to go on is Big Love and Sister Wives :P
4. Will we lose more friends and/or family by coming out and cohabitating? What can we do to protect our rights and family from backlash (we are in Canada, less laws to worry about, but I am no lawyer)?
G and I have a much better relationship now. We openly show affection, I do not take him for granted, and he feels loved by me. Being open about who we are and what we want has seriously helped our relationship. Before this, I could easily see us decaying into some stinking goop that no one would want to touch.
So, this is my story-in-the-making. I hope G will join in on this discussion, if he chooses. I will invite S and P to as well, however not sure if they will want to.
Here we are, some assembly required.