I struggle with the whole bag idea. What belongs to your own bag vs. what is in that of others? Is there something that is not in anyone's bag, but sort of hangs between / outside? I hear a lot of "be responsible for your own feelings" etc. but it seems like this is sometimes abused in the sense of, "Well, if you have any negative feelings about something I did, that's your problem." Any thoughts on that, or recommended reading?
That is a cop out in bold.
No, it is OUR problem. We must sit down to talk it over and DISCERN where to park it. If you punch me in the face at dinner and I want to eat dinner in peace with you, we must talk about this face punching. Can't you punch a pillow? Then you get to punch and I still get to be with you for dinner unpunched and yay! We can still be in right relationship to each other. All win with the happy medium solution! Cupcakes for all!
In my play book
, I am responsible for my own and my partner(s) safety in all the buckets : mind, body, heart, and soul.
If I hurt a partner by mistake in mind, body, heart or soul? And they feel negative? They have the responsibility to REPORT THIS. I am not a mind reader.
Upon hearing this, I must at least acknowledge the hurt. Say I am sorry they are hurt. I see/hear they did their job of weather reporting. Thank you. (Because I have the right to clear communication, feedback. They have the right to support, nurture.)
Then we must enter the Area of Discernment / Conflict Resolution. And agree to appointment for that.
Is this just an announcement thing?
You hate my polka dot socks? Alright. Thanks. Hate em. I like them. So mote it be. We can agree to disagree there. I will hide them when you are around but I am not throwing them out.
Is this a conflict thing that cannot be let go
? Requires more? Alright. Take it to the negotiation mat!
- Is it a hurt I can avoid doing again? Did I do it on purpose or not?
- Is it a hurt that could happen without my control?
- Is it even reasonable expectation of me?
- How would we deal with it should it come up? Everyone pony up ideas.
- If it creates conflict again despite new solution trying, what is our next conflict resolution plan?
Stuff like that needs acknowledgement. That is why it is called "the overlapping area of discernment" to me -- there's this THING here. Who will own it then? Cause it is THERE. Cannot pretend not to see. Cannot sweep under rug. We can TRIP on that. Let us discern then, who will own which parts? TOGETHER. With intention.
What bag gets what if we break it down into bits? Because an elephant in the room is one for ALL to carry and be aware of. Many hands make lighter work. In service to the greater polyship relationship of all parties, even if you do not LOVE elephants ? You may have to hold the trunk of the elephant in your bag. I may have to carry the tail. Other partner may take an ear. Because we love each other. If this polyship we choose
to be in? This too
we must choose to do. We pay the price of admission.
Or we can choose to leave this polyship with grace because the other players are no longer up for sharing the joys and burdens of it. Fair enough. Disband as friends.
Because if we want to stay in right relationship
to each other in all stages of it? While moving it from friendship to fly the polyship, while inside the polyship configuration we agreed to, when landing the polyship back to earth and moving out of it when the relationship ends?
We want to nip it in the BUD and not let it fester
into pus infection in the system.
It is lame
and a cop out not to address this just because nobody wants to be the first to crack it open, break the elephant down to manageable sizes and own some of that elephant! It is lame to fob off your own behavior causing someone pain without stopping to see WHY the pain is being caused and if it is reasonable to adjust a bit so your loved one is less pained.
That sort of polyship is doomed before it even takes flight if the players are not willing to play fair and play well while learning to love each other as best as possible. That sets up a skewed dynamic where someone is bound to get shafted. Ugh.