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Old 08-02-2012, 12:40 AM
JaneQSmythe JaneQSmythe is offline
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Pennsyl-tucky
Posts: 1,900

Originally Posted by WhatHappened View Post
Right now, I like things exactly as they are. But, I struggle with the idea that relationships should 'go somewhere,' grow toward something bigger
I think that relationships change and grow in their own time and their own fashion if you let them. Trying to force a relationship into a pre-set pattern because that is how it "should" go, to me, seems to add an unnecessary stress that could be avoided (and may be harmful to the current relationship). My relationships with friends are allowed to stay "just friendships" without pressure to be "more" - yet those relationships also change and grow.

Originally Posted by WhatHappened View Post
I'm happy with it now...but I realize in a year or five, I may want a whole lot more...
You have something NOW that makes you happy but you are worrying about something you are not even sure that you WILL want. Why spoil one bit of today for an uncertain future possibility of a desire?

Originally Posted by WhatHappened View Post
He started the relationship saying he knows it has to end someday, that I'll find someone who can give me all of the above. He hasn't said that in a long time.
I did the same thing when I got together with Dude. I woudn't "let" myself fall in love with him and kept reminding myself that this was "only temporary" and that he would find a "real girl" - one that he could have all to himself.

After we had been together for some months he would ask me about the walls that he was running into (emotionally) and I disclosed the above. While initially I think he may have felt the same way (if he thought about it at all) - he told me that I am a "real girl" and any other "real girl" that he came across would have to be okay with us if she wanted to be in a relationship with him.

Originally Posted by WhatHappened View Post
...more time, sharing a house, knowing if one of us moves, we'd move together, planning for retirement, supporting each other financially, the things a normal couple eventually does.

...children being born, growing, milestones, careers changes, moving together, expecting to grow old together, knowing someone is going to be there if you're in the hospital.

...But the fact is, he can't be there for major events with my children and barring, as he said, something happening to his wife, we're not going to have a home together or support one another financially.

So what does any of this mean to those in the polyamory lifestyle?
I'm with LR - I don't think that these things are not possible in a poly relationship if this is what the participants want. Many poly folks (like, I believe, NYCindie) are NOT looking for the "cohabitating poly family" type model. But plenty of us are (me, LR, Phy, Redpepper to name a few) and seem to be making a good job of it.

Dude has been living with us "unofficially" for a year. A few months ago his grandmother died - she was the reason he was living in the area in the first place. Just as my "oh, his reason for being here is gone...and he will leave" insecurities were kicking in - he tells me/us that he has no intention of going anywhere, that he wants to be with me/us for a long, long, long time - years/decades/"forever" - he loves what we all have together and do we feel the same way?

It's only been a year - we're not at the point of ceremonies and announcements (although we have told our immediate families that he is now "officially" living with us - not that they know the true nature of our relationship...). We are, however, to the point of making longer-term plans. Looking at living together indefinately, planning for retirement, financial planning, growing old together etc. - but as three rather than two (I've shared our "having children" struggles elsewhere - I won't repeat it here). The boys are making long-term plans for gardens, property modifications, shared projects that extend over years.

We've talked about possible ways it could look if one of us found another "real girl/real boy" (even though none of us are actively looking) and how that could be incorporated depending on their wants/needs. For instance, if Dude found another "real girl" but she didn't want to live with all of us - they could build a house somewhere on the property and we could visit each other. Or we could add onto the current house with each of us having our own room to which others could be invited (right now we have one bedroom/one bed - new girlfriends/boyfriends, I think, would want more privacy than that). All kinds of options depending on how the relationships branch and intertwine...

Originally Posted by WhatHappened View Post
Is there ever really any forever and what does it look like?
For me "forever" is a tricky concept. The only time we are certain of is the NOW, but we work and plan for the possible futures - which may end up looking drastically different from what we think, but we commit ourselves to working on it sharing the journey.

JaneQ(Me): poly bi female, in an "open-but-not-looking" V-plus with -
MrS: hetero polyflexible male, live-in husband (25+ yrs)
Dude: hetero poly male, live-in boyfriend (7+ yrs) and MrS's BFF
SLeW: platonic hetero girlfriend and BFF
MrClean: hetero mono male, almost lover-friend to me, ex-FWBs to SLeW, friends with MrS
+ "others" = FBs, FWBs, lover-friends, platonic G/BFs, boytoys, etc.

My poly blogs here:
The Journey of JaneQSmythe
The Notebook of JaneQSmythe
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