Twitch and I talked by phone Monday night. I wanted to convey to him that I really want an actual legal marriage to him. My thinking was, if I don't say it outright, then how is he suppose to swing his thinking around from the path I had taken him down a few short weeks ago? I'm asking a lot of him it seems all the time lately. Our lives have been changing so radically.
It's painful to hear him say that a year ago when we became engaged he was very excited about getting married and our wedding, but now he's not very excited at all. I know it's because I've taken the shine off of it for him. I'm hoping that I can put some of it back. It's going to take time, though, and that's one thing we don't have a lot of. Our wedding is mid-October. I could just kick myself for causing him this pain.
What I really needed to hear was that he loves me. He's really making a huge effort to make contact with me on a daily basis now and give me words of affirmation. I love him so much for how hard he is working to make us work and to show me love in the way that I need it when I need it. He's wonderful. Really wonderful.
I'm feeling much less committed to polyamory as a relationship style now, too. We discussed this and we're not going to change anything right now, as it's likely that later this fall when the house is empty I'm going to start feeling the pull towards it again. He's so leery of advancing his relationship with Shasti, because he's scared I'm going to pull it away from him. I would never do that to him, but it's his fear and it's a valid one.
So, we continue forward. I'm meeting a new guy early next week. We've been talking a lot and I really like him. He's not sure if he'll be able to enter into relationship as a secondary, though. He's trying to wrap his mind around the concepts. I should find a name for him on here.
Is that the right term for what others will be in our lives if we set up our relationship as primary, meaning that we are each others base/anchor/core? I don't want anyone to feel that they are less, because of a title or designation. I guess that this is something we'll sort out as things develop and we know how much time and energy we can give to others and still keep our balance.