I don't know that I can reassure. I did read your whole post and it was such an echo of a life I have lived. Painful to say the least (please don't take that as blaming you).
I suggest you look up another poster... luvnwonder I think-or something long those lines. PM them. It's a couple married 22 years. I think he may comprehend your pain as well. I won't share their story-not mine to share.
What is mine to share is that I have known my current husband for roughly 20 years as well. We've been together for 11 and married for 10.
I tried to "live mono" for all but the last 2 months of that. I broke his heart-not once or twice, but repeatedly. I broke my own heart more often then that. He's a wonderful man. I believe I am probably a wonderful woman-but I certainly don't FEEL that way anymore (well at least until the last few months).
When a person tries to live a lie-by living as something other than what they are... it's like smoking-at first it just makes you cough, then you stop coughing and you like it. But all the while you are sucking in that deadly smoke-and you think it makes you calmer, feels good-it's actually killing you slowly, but surely.
I think it's GREAT that the two of you are talking. But if neither of you can change your lifeview-this is going to be a VERY painful road for both of you...
As I said-no reassurance, but I do have understanding and hope that you can sense my care from my post.
"Love As Thou Wilt"