Originally Posted by mv1976
From this it seems like you're not sure what you want from him beyond the present. It's okay not to know that yet, as long as you let him know that's how you're feeling. Maybe you don't need to make any decisions about this. As long as he's not moving away tomorrow, you can perhaps keep things as they are, since you are both enjoying it? If he does move, then you should discuss whether you're going to end the relationship or perhaps do an LDR? Not sure how feasible that would be.
I guess I know that I would feel bad if I knew it were suddenly over right now, today. I guess part of my question revolves around the fact that I can't even visualize
what such a future would look like. I could always 'see' what my future looked like in other instances--I could imagine going to college, earning a degree, having a job, having children, owning a home. This is like looking into a thick fog, not even sure what 'forever' looks like or means in such a situation.
I'm not sure what you mean about the last part about him being married and your refusing to let yourself fall in love with him. Is this because you're not comfortable with his situation? Would you prefer a monogamous relationship with someone you're in love with?
It's because I don't want to be sitting around home desperately wanting to be with someone I love, wanting the standard-issue things, and being unhappy because I can't have them. I don't want to become clingy and needy (which I think would really be unfair terms in this situation, since it would only be wanting the normal things that people normally get out of a relationship--yet compared to what he is able to give, I would feel
clingy.) I think I would begin to resent him for it.
Yes, it probably is partly that I'm just not comfortable with the whole situation. I'm seeing a married man and this goes against everything I've ever considered or believed in. I'm well aware that his wife knowing and approving changes everything. She's happy, he's happy, she's happy for him, I'm happy, her boyfriend is happy, as he's also good friends with BF, all his friends are happy.
...yet my intellectual and my deeply-ingrained emotional responses are at war.
I think maybe I refuse to fall in love because to me, he's 'available' for dating, but he's not
available for the kind of relationship I would presumably one day want.
Sorry I perhaps projected too much about the relationship with his wife. Since you didn't specify, I wasn't sure what the barrier might be to your having a longer-term relationship with him. Seems like your lifestyle differences are the barrier, so there's not much to be done about that, except enjoy the relationship as it is for now, and keep looking for someone better suited to you in the long term if that's what you want. Your boyfriend will need to understand that he can't be that for you because of these differences.
I guess I'm not sure if
there's a barrier. I just can't envision what it even looks like or means to have a long-term relationship in a poly situation.
The more I think about it, I think a lot of it, for me, is the question of whether I'll continue to feel as I do now, LIKING my own space, or whether I'll one day want marriage again. And I guess there's really no way of knowing that.