Originally Posted by nycindie
You've said everything here that I would say to my husband if I were you:
"Look honey, I know things are confusing, and you're upset and feeling vulnerable, and I want to be there for you as much as I can. But I have needs, too, and so does my BF. You say things are going too fast with me, when nothing has changed at all from what it was before. So, obviously, you're looking at it through your inner turmoil, and my limiting time with the BF isn't really going to lessen your turmoil.
I made a commitment to both of you, and I can't hold your hand every minute of the day, so you have to figure out how to get through this and what I can do to support you, but I won't put my other relationship on hold just because you're feeling insecure. He's an important part of my life and it's unfair for me to set him aside. Let me show you that I can be there for you and still have time for him."
Sorry, I do often write "scripts" like this, just because it's easier than trying to paraphrase what I think you could address. Of course, I'm not really telling you what to say, and you would phrase it in a way that feels natural to you, but that is my take on your situation.
Thanks nycindie. We had a really good talk last night and I actually said much of what you wrote in your 'script'
before I even read it
My husband and I have amazing connection and communication between us. When we do sit down and make time to talk, it only takes a couple of minutes before we are really connecting again, listening, understanding.
He started asking me questions, not like interrogating me but out of true interest in my relationship with bf, and I think my answers put him at ease. He also really opened up about his feelings about where things are with ex-or-no-ex gf. We then agreed to spend 3 consecutive evenings together, the beginning of next week. I agreed with him that we had not been spending enough time together, which is not only because of the time we spend with our other partners, but also because of work and other obligations. I guess there was a little too much of the 'taking each other for granted' going on.
So after we agreed on those 3 nights, and were thinking about fun stuff to do together, and agreeing that I would go see my bf after those 3 nights, something happened today... Husband sent me an email and said : so instead of doing 3 consecutive nights, how do you feel if we spend 2 nights, I see L (GF) for 1 night, and then you and I have another date? (she's coming back to town after being away for 2 weeks).
I said sure fine, but in that case I think I'll go see BF when you are with her
and he said sure, that sounds fair, lets do it like that...
So that was some nice and easy negotiating ....
We are progressing, but boy it's hard work sometimes....