GalaGirl: You said a lot of very helpful things, but I don't think that is quite how our relationship is. She is not blaming me at all, she takes full responsibility.
Ah, ok. Then I'd move her into the "3 strikes you are out bucket" rather than the 1 strike you are out.
Sorry I misunderstood -- I thought it was lies of omission from the get go. I was hoping you'd clear that point up.
From here then it is still about rebuilding trust.
I can't see how this cheating guy can come in just yet. Did he KNOW she was already partnered? Was he misled? Did he not care? Say all is well there...
You guys still have to fix the polymath
chain links of 2 before jumping to 3. Adding more just magnifies the weak places.
- you to yourself as part of a couple
- her to herself
- you to her
- her to you
- you + her working as a team
- ghost layer: how to want to be to each other when this rship does end. (turn volume down to just friends? fade away to nothing but memories? Def not an UGH making parting, right? )
Sort all that out (what tier is weak? Which is ok) and what sort of non-monogamous framework ye would seek then in your NEW relationship configuration. How do you want to be together NOW?
- A "V" where she is the hinge? MFM?
- An "N" where you each have another honey but are still together with each other?
- Swinging? Poly? BDSM playdates? Something else I can't think of? What KIND of ethical nonmonogamy is it here? And for what reason?
There's a lot to talk about in what you guys want before adding on the wants, needs, limits of a third person to the mix.
I mean, you don't even know for YOURSELF on your "you to you" tier if opening up to others is a hard limit or a soft limit yet! And that pretty much determines a LOT of subsequent things.
What is NRE? And even if I experience more sex, I just have trouble thinking of her with other people, I don't know why, it is hard to vocalize.
(N)ew (R)elationship (E)nergy. The giddy giddy stuff.
If you have trouble, break it out into your buckets. Me thinking about DH making love with another?
In my MIND bucket? It's kinda hot, if it stems from a good place of Loving. It's horrified if it stems from a nasty place if he were taking advantage of someone. Or if I'm being hurt somehow.
In my HEART bucket? I have no problem with him loving others. Love all you want. World needs more, and it's not like him loving takes anything from me or hurts me if executed well and respectful of me and OUR shared love. I want to feel emotionally safe.
In my Body bucket? I'm leery of disease, unwanted pregnancy. Hygiene please! If I could magically wave that worry away? I'd find the body bucket the easiest one to take!
In my Soul bucket? I squirm. This is the one the jealousy is parked at because I store some of my Soul things in his and I don't LIKE being vulnerable to another taking peekies there. I also want him treated WELL so I would be MUCH happier knowing the person and being friends first so I can trust them with the treasure that is him and that they would handle his heart gently and wisely. It's hard for me to relax with the idea of it being a stranger person.
Maybe ask yourself that -- what bucket exactly does the squirm live in?
Hang in there. It still sounds rough. But I'm glad this is more at the "I made a mistake" place and not "I lie all the time" place. That would be horrific.