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Old 08-01-2012, 02:01 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Originally Posted by bambisrevenge View Post
I do genuinely think she is sorry, but that doesn't justify anything in my mind. It does obviously open up the road to forgiveness though. I do think I have it in me to forgive, I love this girl, a lot. The strongest barrier to our relationship is re-establishing trust and me believing that she won't cheat again.
Yes, indeed. She needs to rebuild her trustworthiness before you can consent to poly. You two now have a great opportunity to discuss boundaries and figure out what would make each of you happy and fulfilled in the relationship. Visit Tristan Taormino's website for some checklists you can download:

Originally Posted by bambisrevenge View Post
She has not had anymore contact with D since. She has told me she has no intention of pursuing anything beyond friendship with him. However the thought of her with him is, unsettling, to me. So I asked her to cut him out of her life. A pretty strong reaction, I'll admit, but its important to me that she can choose me over him (which feels childish). Since he is a core part of her new group of friends, she claims this would mean her not seeing the entire group. I feel bad about this, but I have anxiety at just the thought of her hanging out with him. She has been very resistant to this demand, but has finally said she will comply with it. I don't know if this is the right thing for me to do.
It seems rather like a dictator-ish thing to do, to me. I mean, normal human beings cannot restrict who the people in their life hang out with, that's just ridiculous - why not chain her to a post? It's the same thing. You don't own her. You and she have your own autonomy and choose to be with each other, and no amount of rules will make you feel more secure.

Forbidding her to see him will do nothing to regain your trust, and might even make him more appealing to her - we always want what we can't have! Rebuilding trust is her responsibility now, and needs to come from her actions, not your mandates! Better that you see if she can act honorably while she is still hanging out with him - y'know, give her enough rope to hang herself with and see what she does. Ultimatums never work, and rules are too confining, so all you can do is state what you will or will not tolerate and leave it up to her to make her own choices. If she wants to respect your relationship, she will. If she doesn't, then you know what's important to her and you can walk. But you cannot force her to be trustworthy.

Originally Posted by bambisrevenge View Post
M still says she is interested in Poly . . . I still don't know if I could handle it, but I'm honestly not even sure what Poly is. Or the distinction between poly and swingers and stuff. I could handle 3somes, and that is something else we have talked about and are open to trying. Is that something that can lead to poly?
Basically, swinging is recreational sex, usually with no emotions allowed into the mix. Polyamory is about developing and nurturing multiple loving relationships. Sex is important, but not the focus - love is. Read: Glossary and Definitions and More Than Two to learn more.

Originally Posted by RunningMan View Post
It seems to be the belief that if you're really poly, you just "always" know. From what I'm reading, I don't know if that is true. It might be like being gay. Some people just know their whole life, and then there are people who discover it later on in life. It doesn't make them any less gay.
It is not necessary to personally identify as poly in order to practice it. Many of us, myself included, don't buy the "hard-wiring" theory. We view polyamory as simply a structure for relationships, not an identity or orientation. So, there isn't always a wrestling with "am I or not?" For many, polyamorous relationships are just an approach to having and creating love in our lives, which we embrace and pursue, but it isn't "who we are." Just FYI.
The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia

Click here for a Solo Poly view on hierarchical relationships
Click here to find out why the Polyamorous Misanthrope is feeling disgusted.

Last edited by nycindie; 08-01-2012 at 02:14 AM.
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