Thank you everyone for your insights and comments. You have made me think today.
Phy - I think you are right on the mark. It always strikes me how much I enjoy (and need) my work - and I know it's because I feel like I have control over my space...but then I feel so stifled when I get home. I understand the need to compromise but I feel tense, like I'm walking on egg shells, trying to
guess what will upset Piper. I really do think they were trying to do something nice for me - I don't think it even occured to either of them that it would feel violating. I should also clarify that it was the guest room before so Piper did a lot of just cleaning out his own stuff (which I'd been asking him
to do for quite some time) so I think he saw it as a genuinely nice thing...and for the most part, I took it that way. It was the cleaning out my upstairs nightstand that threw me and the fact that there was no communication about what is happening. I mean, fine, if they want upstairs, I gave them the option so I also need to accept the decision. But why not just do me the
curtesy to talk to me about it?
Dingedheart - I had to google gas lighting - I don't know what to say. <breathe> I haven't ever thought of Piper as being abusive, just as having a lot of difficulty being able to see things from others' points of view. I think mostly because, when he's calm, he tries very hard to make changes (and he has genuinely made great progress in his life through a lot of hard work). Having said that, I can't deny (though I'd really like to) that the comments I saw as examples of this are, unfortunately, pretty much exactly what I hear all the time.The examples I found were, "You’re overreacting.” “You always
want to talk.” “You’re just being too sensitive.” “You’re looking at it all wrong.” As I'm not really familiar with this term, I need to look more before I can determine what I think about it - but you do give me something to consider and certainly, at least from what I read, the comments (e.g. above), are what I hear. Regarding your second comment - also a good point.
For me, I think a secondary role, while not one's primary concern, still remains a concern. In other words, maybe it's fair not to invite me or include me in everything but to not share the plan and make sure I was ok with it (most especially because this is new and we don't know how we will react to
everything) would have made a huge difference. I am ok with taking a different role - I am not ok in not having a role. Demotion is not the same as exclusion. Regarding your last point - I'm not sure I would consider myself passive aggressive. If anything, I'd say I'm directly aggressive. :P I think being passively agressive would just be a lot of work with no return or possibly even harm - and I'm too practical for that. However, as I was thinking about this, I thought about one of my early posts where I said that I was surprised that he had her in the house and I felt really upset. Piper came on and clarified my point for everyone. What struck me as odd was that he IM'd me - "uh oh" and I responded "uh oh??" - he told me that he accidentally
started a discussion on my blog - but then followed by saying that I would probably appreciate what he said...and then I read what he wrote - and I did not appreciate it at all. It was very surprised that he thought I would appreciate him telling everyone what I thought - which a) I am fully capable of doing myself, b) felt like a violation of my "virtual space" and c) seemed
controlling in nature. See a theme? I don't know why we see things so differently - which means I have a hard time explaining things to him. I think he really thought he was helping. Having said that, I, very directly, said I did not appreciate what he said or how he said it. It's a good example of how I typically say things/react. I'm pretty direct.
Hannahfluke - yes - you said it better than me. I don't mind making changes, editing, compromising, doing different things, etc. - I mind being excluded, not considered, left out. In this case, in particular, because this is new and I am trying new things, slower would be prudent. If we had all met, and we
had figured out a happy place for each of us, I probably would be more ok. But this was too much, too fast.
Sneacail - We have discussed rules - quite a bit, I think. Having said that, we also understand the rules through our own eyes, experiences, and beliefs. In the end, we fail to understand each other - a lot. I am confident we are both very motivated to make this work between us. Maybe Piper and I can
read some of the tags you put here together this weekend. I'm sure he'd be willing to review together. I'll put it in the calendar now.
Rule #15 - Take things slow if everyone isn't quite sure how they are feeling.
Task #15 - Set the calendar to review with Piper, Sneacail's recommendations.