Look, whether from evil intent or mental disease -- abuse
is still abuse.
It doesn't matter if he loves you or not. Maybe he really does and is suffering mental illness. Maybe he only says he does and he's a dickhead.
I wouldn't know. I am not there. You are.
- The point is that how he behaves to you is NOT normal. This is true either way.
- You are being treated badly. This is true either way.
- You have the right to fair, kind treatment. You are a person of worth, dignity, value, and respect. This is DEFINITELY true either way.
So as some anon internet person, all I can do is try to point you in a direction. Seek pro help on the local level as soon as realistically possible for you. If all else fails, call 911 and check YOURSELF into hospital so you can be in a safe space. Bills galore later, sure, but better bills than dead.
I am not there. I do not know the gravity/danger level you could be in or how free you can be.
I had to get my own mom to take it to speakoutloud paper to finally see
and finally accept
my dad was NOT WELL and we needed to get him to hospital. He insisted he wasn't going and I got his butt over there with a courthouse order for involuntary commitment. Now he's on meds for his bipolar out again and both parents are doing much better. But til then? He had gotten too unsafe to be around.
It was sheer hell over there! And I love my Dad. But he was seriously ILL.
So your guy -- whether abusive from illness or from evil intent -- I cannot make that call. You have to see. But I am smelling abuse of some kind there.
I think you will do what you need to do when you are ready to do it. I have faith in you that you will, in your own way, in your own time. If you need time to gather your forces, I get that. You can at least "get out" enough to Internet to be able to post here, so you have something. You can Google and read. You can figure out where the things in your town are. You can think it out.
Your own well being, finances, home, how to rebuild life -- all these things are hard questions that need time to be thought out.
Sometimes you sits and thinks. Sometimes you just sits.
I get that. You are in a hard place to be in. The betwixt and between place of overwhelmed. *hug*
I want you to know you are totally fine
doing what you gotta do to survive to the point where you ARE ready to try something else. The leaving time can be a dangerous time. Plan it well in case of retaliation.
Please be careful with yourself but not SO careful that you never move yourself forward.
Just keep doing it -- moving it forward to wherever "forward" is for you in baby, baby steps if that's the size they need to be.
Know others are rooting for you and hoping you will someday be safe and sound. You have value, worth and dignity. Always!
Worried, but Peace and namaste.