I'm so sorry things haven't settled down. It's really awful that its now been complicated by him wanting you to draw back from your other relationship.
Truth is, I hold my husband's partners to the same level of expectation as I do for infidelity. If he cheated on me, we would break up, if his partner cheated on him and he wanted to keep seeing her, I would have to break up with him. I don't like to gamble with my sexual health when the odds are bad, fool me once, etc etc.
I also would not want to set up that precedent for the rest of my life, where he feels free to choose partners that treat him badly or break agreements, then I have to deal with repeated drama and fallout. I get the feeling people with a stable partner at home do that sometimes, they make more allowance for other partners, and accept stuff they wouldn't if they were single and looking for a husband or wife. If my husband wants to date somebody with issues, so be it, but if they regularly spill over onto our relationship, not OK with me.
I know some people feel strongly that nobody has any rights about who their partners choose to partner with, but when your life and other relationship are being so affected by this (and your husband is trying to now change your other relationship for no wrongdoing on either of your parts) I don't know that applies.
If you feel horrible about not seeing your bf for 10 days but are willing to do it, then write that, and let your husband know what you wrote too. "Sweetie I feel horrible about this, but this one time my husband needs me to back off for a bit, and I am willing to do it because he is struggling, but I want to let you know that it won't be repeated unless there is a horrible crisis like disease or death, because I know it's not fair to you"
10 days isn't so long in the scheme of things. Of course I don't think your husband needs you for any healthy reasons, so that's why I'd be clear this was a one time deal. On the other hand, if you feel strongly about this, you can set a precedent for yourself and say NO, because it doesn't make sense that you or he would be punished for issues with him and his "ex"gf. Only you know if he would somehow punish you for that.
Originally Posted by Cleo
And where do my needs come in? they seem to be unimportant, because I don't want to hurt or disappoint any one.
So just to clear things up for you, I think your needs should come at least slightly ahead anybody else involved. What ARE they?