View Single Post
Old 07-31-2012, 05:04 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 4,732

DISCLAIMER: I am very sorry and apologize in advance for what I write below. I feel your pain and sadness.

But when in this place, I just Spit it Out even if it is Hard to Hear. Ok?

It is offered in supportive, but FIRM kindness. It is not offered in mean spirit. Make of it what you will. You can even skip my long answer below if you want to. Detailing my reasons. But my short answer to this?

How do people in Poly relationships get over this?
I don't. I dump them for lying and move on. Fast and clean and swift.

Sigh. This is so sad for you. Know at least that I do feel your pain.


The headspace that I call "Hang Time at the Forge" is not fun to endure. But really? If you do NOT want to go poly, that is a LIMIT you have. So don't change it just for her. Be true to YOU. If you change and choose to grow in that area it is because YOU want to change and grow in that area at YOUR comfort pace. Because on some level it satisfies YOUR wants and needs also. Not shooshing your wants/needs/limits out the window to the winds!

Hang in there,

-------LONG ANSWER DETAILED ------------------------

My poly gamebook lists specific rights and responsibilites.

In my world? If she were my GF?
  • GF did not tell me she would sleep with someone else before going there. She did it anyway, then it came out later in what? Confession? A lie of Omission?
  • She put my physical health and emotional health in danger.
  • She did not know, state her wants, needs, and limits BEFORE sleeping with another.

There's more in the breakdown. But there they go -- a lot of responsibility balls being dropped.

And you have some kind of LIMIT to discern for yourself.
  • Is poly a HARD limit for you -- NEVER poly under any circumstances? Just NOT your scene? (Which is totally valid and ok!)
  • Or a SOFT limit that you could bend in the right circumstances with the right person?

(And this cheatery time is prob so NOT cool to deal with soul searching introspection like that. You got thrown under the bus a bit.)

So... bus.
  • Is she offering nurture/support to you in your "Aaahh! I'm at a mental/emotional crossroads!" headspace? Begging forgiveness, making apology and amends for throwing you under the bus willynilly? Nope. Another flag to me. Lack of sympathy, empathy, compersion.
  • She just wants to keep seeing the cheater guy rather than make repairs with YOU first?! Ack. (Another red flag alert to me. She's not sounding like she'd be a balanced NRE person when in flush of new relationship energy but still tending the older established rship WELL. Yay. More thrown under bus to come then? Ugh.)

This business of "going poly?" Doubt it.

She sounds like she wants hard swinging friends, maybe closed hard swing rather than random hookups. That's not poly. Could be ethical nonmonogamy, but it is not ethical polyamory the way it's coming round to you right now. The ethical way would have been to talk to you about opening up first before sleeping with another.

Honestly? I'd worry this is the slow kiss off for you.

Sleeping with another she wants to go to be with. Announcing it so you can get mad and fusspotty, so she can walk away feeling good about herself.

That her "little bad" was so little compared to YOUR badness in "flying off the handle" so really you "deserved" the poor treatment, so her soul can walk away without much ding at all.

Versus her owning her own baggage and where she's dropping all the responsibility balls with you -- hurting you for no reason other than selfish-osity, lack of respect, etc.

Ugh. So hate this. If she were my GF?

How do people in Poly relationships get over this?
I'd never get over the lying, the betrayal, and needless ugh making.

I have set responsibility/rights in place for a reason at start of every one of my rships. I've yet to be burned too badly because I play like a Jedi. Dings I can stand. Breaking up times I can stand. Let's go for graceful partings and part as friends enriched for the experience! Not horribly and UGH.

Outright thoughtless/on purpose ughmaking? Bleargh. I nip it in the bud. I'd break up with her.

Maybe even still love her a bit, but too toxic to me with this type of dishonesty/disrespect so I'd distance and check out. Ding me once? Fine. There I chose to risk it. But I'm not up for MORE random zappage. I cannot feel emotionally safe in a close rship like that so best to distance myself to be out of harm's way. I'll own my own baggage and solve my own prob!

I don't know what you will decide to do. I hope whatever it is, it moves YOU toward healing and to a happier place in YOUR way.

Either in your relationship with her growing enough to be more mature in execution so there's less of this painful stuff about. There I would set a soft limit of not seeing the guy for a (timeframe?) while you work on your OWN rship trust repairs, make a new contract of how you agree to be together. THEN try it on with the new guy for a (timeframe?) and reassess if this can fly or not. ETHICALLY this time.

Or apart so you can find a new honorable Star Wars Jedi Player to be with.

Either way, decide not stay stuck in the land of the wacky Muppet Show. Muppets are fun to watch, but not go LIVE there.

AGAIN... ***hug*** Hang in there. The headspace that I call "Hang Time at the Forge" is SOOOO not fun to endure.

Try and for more general poly info if you need it.

best wishes,

Last edited by GalaGirl; 07-31-2012 at 07:10 PM.
Reply With Quote