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Old 07-31-2012, 04:18 PM
km34 km34 is offline
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Join Date: Dec 2011
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Quote:
Originally Posted by bambisrevenge View Post
I was (understandably, I think) quite upset. This is a girl I love however, so I have been focusing on trying to forgive her and get past this.

I am against ultimatums, but my response was to tell her never to see this person again. This upsets her, primarily because he is a core part of a new group of friends she wants to be a part of. Perhaps I was too harsh, but I really can't stomach the thought of her seeing this person again.
I think asking her to never see him again is a bit harsh. Asking her not to see him for a while during your processing time is pretty understandable (to me), though. I am a firm believer that there are some people that I could never have in my life. On that list is a girl (now woman, I suppose) that my husband dated in high school - we'd broken up for a month, she dated him, caused a lot of shit, basically every time I think of her I have a VERY negative reaction because of the association with a bad period in my life. And that wasn't even him cheating on me! The point of that, I suppose, is that even if you do end up considering poly, I don't know that it is fair for her to expect you to become so okay with the situation that you would be comfortable having him such an intimate part of your life (because having a common lover is an intimate bond even if you two aren't close in any other way).

Quote:
During one of our talks about our relationship she brought up the fact that she has been thinking she would like to try a poly relationship. The timing of this does not sit well with me, considering she has never mentioned this before.
Poor timing, possibly, but it is also possible that she is naturally inclined to poly and the cheating issue made her realize it.

Quote:
She says Poly is like going and hanging out with friends, but potentially having sex instead of playing Borderlands. I feel like any time she has sex with someone else is time she chose someone to have sex with someone else instead of me, considering I have the higher sex drive and am down most anytime. How do people in Poly relationships get over this?
This isn't my view of poly at all. This is closer to swinging/sexually open. To me, poly is negotiating boundaries and forming potentially long-term, loving, romantic relationships. Making sure your partner's needs are met is very important so if you don't feel like she is meeting your sexual needs, asking for her to not be sexual with someone else (or only being sexual with someone else x amount of times in a certain length of time) is a reasonable boundary.

Quote:
Summary: Long term Gf cheats. I am in the process of forgiving. She proposes Poly, I feel like Poly is cheating with a partner's consent.
What differentiates poly and cheating is the consent part. How do you cheat if you're not breaking the rules? To be poly, the "rule" of exclusivity isn't there so just being with someone else isn't automatically cheating. Other rules/boundaries will be there, though, so cheating is definitely still possible, but it isn't a given. I really do commend you on seeking opinions on this. I don't think now is the time to officially change your relationship structure, but it's probably a very fitting time to consider that she may need something that isn't traditional monogamy.
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