Well, its been a couple of weeks, but things haven't really calmed down yet.
Husband and his GF are still communicating through text and email, she's coming back to town next week, and I'm pretty sure they'll meet... but it's very unclear where things are, what he wants or needs or expects, and where this is all gonna go. So, a lot of emotional upheaval there, confusion and hurt.
And to bring this back to what this topic was originally about.. the whole situation is causing a major shift in the balance we had achieved over the past couple of months. Because my husband is going through this break-up that nobody even knows if its really a break up, he's very vulnerable, and is experiencing jealousy and insecurities when it comes to my relationships. It's funny because I always used to be the insecure one, and now its him.
It's gotten to the point where he is asking me not to see my boyfriend. My dates with him are on the same schedule as 4 months ago, but all of a sudden husband says things are going too fast, its too soon, etc.
Now, I really want to help him.. but it's confusing and complicated. There's my boyfriend, who lives in another city.. I'm his only partner, we love each other, enjoy spending time together. He is VERY understanding (and he has met my husband a couple of times, they get on quite well, he knows about the difficult stuff husband is going through, and he always asks how he is etc.) but still it makes me feel horrible to tell him 'I can't come and see you for 10 days because my husband is freaking out and he needs me for himself for a bit'. Yet, this is the email I have to write today or tomorrow.
And where do my needs come in? they seem to be unimportant, because I don't want to hurt or disappoint any one.
Today I felt really really sad and was thinking is this all worth it? I feel I am capable of loving more than one.. I even feel that my marriage is strong enough to do this.. but on days like today I feel like it's just too damn complicated. And then I even find myself wishing that my husband won't break up with his GF because of this ugly balance-shift. And the next minute I feel that she is one of the reasons he's feeling so insecure (after all, she cheated on him) and that she will only bring more drama... but then again, it's not up to me to decide for him, but what CAN I decide? it just seems like I have no power here. Ugh.
early forties, straight.
the guys: Ren - husband; Brig - very new bf; Knight - non-sexual bf; MrBrown - it's complicated; Scin - dating, taking it slow
Ren's girls: Lou - gf of 2 years, Mon - very new gf
There are as many forms of love as there are moments in time. Jane Austen