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Old 07-31-2012, 05:19 AM
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Anneintherain Anneintherain is offline
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Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Seattle-ish
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Originally Posted by persephone View Post
My feeling is that D should keep R as a platonic friend and concentrate on his relationships with me and with C, especially since his relationship with C is only about a month old and I know she wants more time with him than she has had so far.
Originally Posted by persephone View Post
At this point, I just want him to be a good partner for C, whom I am very fond of
First I'll say that you might not want to worry so much about advocating for C. If D wants to spend more time with C he will, and if he doesn't, he shouldn't. You even giving the impression of pressuring or suggesting in any way that he should spend more time with her instead of spending that time elsewhere might actually lead to problems for them. If she wants more time than he feels like giving, that's really up for them to figure out what will work for them. I'd shudder if if found out a partner was making more time for me only because a metamour felt sorry for me.

Secondly, I understand some of what you are going through. My husband is only interested in sex a certain frequency, and we have had our share of issues trying to figure out a balance between him making sure he has energy for me if he is dating. We had a lot of our own discussions about how if him having other partners decreased the amount we had sex that I wasn't going to be OK with it (sex is very low on his list of priorities, even when he dates, so this was something he agreed to). I would not have a problem holding D to his agreement, especially as the therapist agreed it was a good idea, not everybody can always have everything they want, are you both clear on what the consequences are if he takes on another partner and doesn't put energy towards what he already has?

That said, there is no guarantee either way if dating R would be good or bad for your relationship. I'm getting the feeling that the only thing you have against him taking on an additional relationship is that it makes it easy for him to be so distracted that he's not making the energy to be present for you as a sexual partner? There is always the additional option of a X month wait before taking on a third local partner, to see if he is following through on the work he has to do in your own relationship. There is also the option of being more-than-platonic-yet-not-sexual friends with R? I remain convinced nobody ever died from not having sex with somebody they wanted to have sex with.
Happiness will never come to those who fail to appreciate what they already have.
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