View Single Post
Old 07-31-2012, 04:23 AM
km34 km34 is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 624

Originally Posted by thenewgirl79 View Post
well it would be like we meet someone, see if theres anything in common including chemistry, have her std checked, etc. its not like just jumping in bed with someone you dont know. its a "friends with benefits" type thing. But everyone calls this swingning...not poly...that why i was wanting opinions. A relationship that starts BEFORE anyone falls in love.

Most relationships dont just go straight to agape eternal love before sex, most relationships start as a friendship with an happens later

is that still swinging...because i was told this is a swing thing that i wanna try?
For me personally, INTENTION is a major way I differentiate types of openness. Swinging = just sex, emotions strictly off-limits, SOMETIMES friendship will develop along the way. Open = sex, with potential friendship, and depending on the people potential love/relationship, Poly = focus on developing feelings, sex is important but not the primary focus, lasting relationships being the goal.

I really wouldn't worry about the labels too much. You seem to want to be more open to finding someone you care about, on a friend level, who you can have a sexual relationship as well and then if it develops into something more it is a bonus. I think that is a great outlook. It puts a lot less pressure on "dating" or finding someone to "add to your relationship NOW" and lets you just get to know people until you find the person/people that work with your life.

Something else to keep in mind is the way you phrase things... "Have her std checked" should probably be more like "have us all get updated std tests" because she'll probably want to see your results if you're asking for hers. No offense, but things can lurk in your system for years without symptoms and even if the two of you have been monogamous forever and never had any other sexual partners, there's no way to prove that to her so you being willing to go for the tests too will speak wonders about your sincerity (IMO)

Hubby and I started out swinging... We did full swap, though, with soft only mixed in on occasion. I fell for a playmate/friend, and the rest, as they say, is history. It just didn't make sense for us to be okay with sexual openness if we weren't also open to emotional openness. Not that it's like that for everyone, but for us it worked out well.

I think before stepping into swinging OR poly, it is very important to have an extremely solid relationship with your partner. Some concerns are normal, of course, but if you have this awful fear and/or are convinced that he's going to leave you as soon as he screws someone new or gets a crush or anything like that, you're probably not ready. It is kind of a calculated risk to open up - on the one hand it can turn out wonderful and you may meet the perfect person and live as a triad/vee/whatever configuration for years and years OR it can bring out the worst in people, cause endless drama, and leave you single or with a completely different partner than you started with. I like to think that the latter is an awfully extreme example that only happens when people jump in without any forethought (which you are obviously putting into it by coming to the site and reading up first ).

Things rarely go exactly as we expect them so being ready to compromise, communicate, and deal with things as they arise is crucial.
Reply With Quote