Well, it's been an eventful couple of days so I just didn't have the energy to post. We ended our "vacation" with an ER visit with Pea (she is ok, thank goodness, but it was scary) followed by a straight 10 hour drive home with the kiddies and me alone. Needless to say, I was totally exhausted, both emotionally and physically.
So here's my update: Before Pea's accident, I had a terrible night. I found out that Colada and Piper were planning a party at the house in my absence and the only reason I learned about it was because I decided we might come home early. I felt so hurt and lied to. I really felt seriously depressed that night and couldn't manage to fall asleep at all. I texted Piper a couple times about it and I tried to call him but he was sleeping, so he didn't pick up. By 6am, I just felt like I had to say something. So I wrote an email to them both. I felt better and thought that while I was clearly upset in my email, that I didn't labor on and on and I wasn't ugly in the email. It seems they didn't agree. Piper said there was no reason for us to discuss it and that I as "very aggressive" and he didn't agree with how I handled it. Eventually he did talk to me some but basically said he didn't understand at all why it bothered me. I don't know what to tell him since I feel like it's obvious that it would hurt my feelings. Colada basically just sent me a short email response saying that
there must have been a miscommunication between her and Piper. And, they canceled the party - which makes me feel like I can't trust them to keep things between us. I'm posting my email - for feedback. Any comments are appreciated. I need a sanity check and Piper and I are too deep in our own issues to be objective. Was I too aggressive? Am I too emotional/sensitive? Should I just be breasy and think it's all just fine?
Here's what I wrote:
Piper and Colada,
First, do not cancel the party - it will only add embarrassment to an already uncomfortable situation for me.
However, I do need to tell you both that I am deeply hurt that you guys planned a party in my absence, without even telling me (I know, Piper, you eventually told me but only because I said we may come home early). My purpose in encouraging Colada to spend some time at the house and invite a few people over was to try and help her relax and become more accustomed to this relationship. It was my way of trying to be supportive and welcoming. I did not, however, expect that it would turn into the two of you throwing a party that involved other people sleeping at my house - nor that it would be planned without my knowledge, input, or consideration. I feel excluded, rejected, and lied to (by omission).
Don't worry, I don't think that you two set out to intentionally exclude me or make me feel bad. But at the same time, without better communication, this will continue to happen. I have not slept all night - and frankly, I scared myself last night with how badly I was feeling - so I cannot continue in this manner.
I am willing to do what I can to make this situation work. I am trying to think of everything I can to be as open as possible, to try to communicate, and to show you both that you can trust me. I do need help though. I need us to communicate more and I'm afraid it needs to segue to talking in person or I fear we will have more miscommunications and hurt feelings and I don't want
that for anyone.
Thank you for "listening" and letting me share my thoughts and feelings.
I don't know. It doesn't seem aggressive to me but maybe I'm just reading it through my own eyes and am not objective enough.
Anyway, once I got home from the trip, Piper and Colada had cleaned up my suite, put out candles, chocolate, wine, music, and Piper had bought me a mini-waterfall, Colada bought me a plaque for my wall with butterflies on it in honor of my daughter. It was very sweet of them to take the time to do this. It did confuse me though - was this their way of saying, we'll take upstairs? I wrote them two long emails on the subject - no response. Not a comment, question, or even a confirmation that they got the email - nothing. It hurt - a lot. It feels like I'm not even important enough to be told what is going
on. Piper even packed up the stuff in my nightstand drawer from the upstairs room and put it in a bag in the bottom drawer in my new room. I think he was trying to be nice but it felt like I was being pushed out.
So, I guess that's that. I just went ahead and packed up the rest of my closet in the upstairs room today. I wasn't planning to do it before - I just figured I'd spend a month downstairs and get my head on straight and then we would have the energy to work on us. But I think I'm too tired to keep fighting so it just seems easier to move. I just feel like I'm losing my family so I'm sad all the time. I think Piper is tired of me being sad. I'm tired of it too but I can't seem to find my way out.
I'm not sure what to do next.
Rule #12 - If you don't know what to say, just hug me.
Task #12 - Go ahead and move forward in moving.