it's likely just my emotions and my hurt that is causing the problem....
Yep. But when ready... keep digging that thought down to the bedrock.
WHY are you having these emotions burble UP in the first place? Because you experience WHAT stimulus? At who's hand? Your own? Or your husband?
If you constantly are told you are terrible, you will constantly tell yourself that too. I affirm to you that you are not terrible. You are mixed up. That is ok to be at this time, at this place. That does not negate your value. You have dignity, value and worth. Even if poorly treated, you are STILL a valuable human being.
Throwing computers and calling your things shit? That's not normal husband behavior. I affirm this to you.
You are in a mindspace that is hard to be in.
I read you as a Stage 1
. You will wibble to and fro. It pains you to think things. So you don't. This is pre-contemplation. This is not yet action. That is totally fine.
You may not even want to CLICK the links I give you. But that's alright too. I left the trail and you can always come back later to click when your eyes feel ready to go there.
You have done A LOT and just enough in just trying to reach out here. This isn't exactly the right place, but it will do for now if you need to light one candle in the darkness SOMEWHERE so you know people somewhere are listening and reading. I hear you. I see you.
Your words reached my eyes. (And others!)
Maybe start a blog or something -- a safe space to vent? And start tracking your time and the things that happen to you by date/time in case you ever need some kind of record?
I have faith in you that you will do what you need to do for you at your own speed, in your own time, in your own place.
I just cannot repeat enough to you -- you are worth it. You have dignity. You have value. You have power. WHEN you choose to wield it.
And I will keep on encouraging you to be careful, and seek LOCAL pro care
as soon as you are ready to go there so you can be safe in all your buckets.
And if you are not ready yet, I understand.
And if you have unspoken obstacles you cannot name here -- I understand.
And if you are not ready to be ready to think about being ready, I get that one too. Sigh. I totally understand.
So I can only give you a compassionate ***HUG*** for now. I suppose across Internet Ether to help warm your soul/heart buckets.
And a wish for you to still be shining the light that is you in the world tomorrow. Over and over and over. Until you are in a better place in the mind/heart buckets. I hope your body bucket is safe and ok enough for now. Sigh.
So you can move this thing FORWARD to get yourself FORWARD one day. Don't lose hope on "one day."
So the MetaYou in ALL your buckets -- Seraphic in mind, heart, body, and soul -- can be at peace and joyously ALIVE, and SAFE, and LOVED.