My feelings about getting married have radically changed. Ten days ago I was so relieved when we played with the idea of having a ceremony, but not filing the paperwork, to now wanting it all to be legal.
Security has been a huge motivator in most of my decisions in life, so now I'm wondering if this urge is because I find Twitch's budding relationship threatening.
When I talk to Twitch about wanting to get married for real and not just a pretend ceremony, he's very noncommittal and says that the reasons to get married just aren't what they once were, so he's fine either way; as being married does not guarantee that you'll be together forever.
I worry that he's feels that we have to go forward with the wedding, but doesn't feel like actually getting married. I only have myself to blame. I promoted this feeling. It's not fair to expect him to toss it off as soon as my feelings change and I start embracing the idea of matrimony.
I need to talk to him more. I need to know if he still believes in the symbolism of standing before family and friends and declaring our commitment to one another. Does he feel that commitment?
To me getting married says that we have picked each other as our primaries and that we put our relationship above all others.
He's going to see Shasti on the 12/13th and I'm fighting down twinges of pain over the thought. I need my compersion back.