I'm a 37 y.o. male who was in a sumilar situation. For years, she always said that she wouldn't put up with phyiscal abuse from me, if I hit her even once... she would be gone.
That's fine, I'm not a physical guy in that respect.
But what's NOT fine is that she would manipulate me, try to prevent me from seeing my friends (One, literally on his deathbed), stop me from being an independant person and once, yes, she had nonconsentual sex with me. (I woke up in the middle of her performing the act.... heavy sleeper, I guess.)
It took me years to realize that not all abuse is about throwing punches. Domination of another in ANY way is all the same thing when it comes down to it. No, I didn't have bruises, but I was constantly put down, negleted, nagged at and was expected to work 40h, come home, cook all the meals, clean up AND take 100% care of the kids in the evening because being a stay-at-home-mom was SUCH hard work. The beginning of the end happened when I realized that she had no respect for me.
He's controlling you and manipulating you for his own agenda. And manipulators never change because they don't understand. He has no respect for you.
HE is the reason why you've had suicidal thoughts. HE is the cause of your depression.
Get out. Do it safe and do it fast.
37 y.o straight mono male in a V with my soulmate and love of my life, A (31 poly bi F) ... who is a hinge between myself and P (29 straight, mono male)