Annabel & Mags - I seriously love you two. These are very valid questions, and ones that I have been giving a great deal of thought to. Yes, I do believe that I will be able to hold to a non sexual relationship with Mahogany, and be happy doing so. It reminds me of my (not so distant) past, when I didn't know that I was bisexual, but I would have these very intimate and often quite physical friendships with women. We'd hold hands at the movies, stroke each other's hair while we watched shows together, go in the hot tub naked, sleep in the same bed and cuddle each other, tickle each other's backs or give each other foot rubs while we gossiped and drank wine. Sure, back then I didn't know that I enjoyed sex with women, but I found those relationships very fulfilling, found the physicality both titillating and oddly fulfilling in its own way, and I think that I can stay in that place with Mahogany and be pretty happy. Will definitely keep y'all posted though, and thanks for bringing me your thoughts - always welcome!!
Add to this the fact that I have two very sexual, very bi girlfriends in my life right now, as well as Elemental and I's sexual connection, and I think that I've got that itch scratched. I can't see any of them being disappointed if I bring them a little pent up sexual energy, either
I am encouraged by the fact that her husband and her invited Elemental and I over for dinner on Tuesday night. While I'm not sure if they have had 'the talk' in regards to the relationship structure that I desire with Mahogany, it will at least give him a chance to get to know me a little better, and see the strength of Elemental and I's connection. E. and him play the same strategy games (Axis & Allies, Risk, etc) and I can totally see them kicking back, having some beers and playing some games together. Fingers crossed that it goes well.
Just got back from a 45 minute walk with the dogs, picked up some Vietnamese and enjoyed the sunshine. Lots of time to be with my thoughts, as there was when I was cleaning out the garage this afternoon - it's become a real clusterfuck in there, and it was SO gratifying to sink my teeth into a bit of the sorting that needs to happen in there.
Elemental and Lily went on their first independent date this evening, and Sunshine expressed her desire for the same this upcoming Wednesday. I am excited and happy about both! I really respected the fact that Sunshine checked in with me before even asking Elemental - she knows how unsafe I felt at times, and how much my boundaries were pushed in regards to Sync, and wanted to be really conscientious and communicative with me. That made me feel really taken care of, safe and happy, and I seriously shed a tear or two out of relief that a different relationship dynamic is happening in my life. That shit with Sync was traumatic at times, and made me pretty unhappy.
Anyhow - date, yes. So Elemental expressed a desire to go out for a drink with Lily before a concert that he's going to with friends this evening. They haven't had much one on one time, and he really wants to get to know her better, and finds her super pretty and vivacious on the whole. I gave my thumbs up to the whole thing, and we had a brief discussion about what the nature of the date was, which I appreciated as well. Kissing, stroking, hand holding, pretty PG stuff, but still nice that he checked in to make sure I was down. And I was! Lily and I txted excitedly about it, and I encouraged her to drive him a little crazy. Elemental called me after and was all giddy and super cute, and my heart squeezed with happiness for him. He told me how much he loved me, and how happy he was, and it made me squeeeeeee!!!!
He expressed his concern over another man that Lily is seeing right now. He's operating under the guise of being a dominant, but is actually being quite mean to her - saying things like, "You'd better do something to keep me interested", telling her what to wear, implying that her only route to happiness is through him. I mean, yes, sure, dom away, but I'm not into negging, especially seeing that Lily is going to counselling to help heal her need to please, and tendency to do what is right for other people instead of herself. Fuck, that's making ME protective of her now, LOL. I'm all for hot BDSM situations, topping, even psychological control for a set period of time, but I guess I just see these things as an extension of a caring, loving, respectful relationship and use these things to empower and excite, instead of disempower and scare. Not our choice though - up to Lily, and Elemental was a champ, just reflective listening, asking questions to help her come to her own answers, and being supportive.
I have a feeling that we're going to have a lottttttt of fun together.
Sunshine and Elemental have a date set up for Wednesday, and it's also going to stay pretty PG - dinner, a walk, some kissing and PG making out - a chance to get to know each other, talk, and have some independent sexual connection. I am feeling really happy about that as well, and plan on having a relaxing night at home while he's out on his date. If I get weirded out, I can always tackle the garden, LOL!
I liked that pre-emptive strike approach that I took in staying busy in the house, watching a fun romantic movie, picking up dinner, and going on a long walk. It made for a relaxing and restorative day, and if there were any negative feelings (which I can't say there were) they would have had some great outlets and healthy distractions to keep me moving through the experience.
I expressed my total, genuine compersion, and also my desire for "wash, rinse, repeat" for a couple more dates on this same level before we step up the physicality. I am all for him having it progress to full overnighters, but my experience of the badness of four days of Elemental visiting Sync was a real learning lesson to me. Small bites, chew, swallow, then another small bite.... not the whole chicken dinner in your mouth at once, choking you and making you sick, y'know? Like, after dinner dates, then progress to some roleplay/oral with Lily at her place, and come home. Or with Sunshine have dinner, then back to her house for some heavy petting/hand stimulation, then come home. When I know that's cool, then have a PIV sex date, then come home. When that's cool, then have an overnighter, then come home. Just do little pieces of the puzzle until I am like, "Yah! Go away for the weekend, I'm totally cool with that!" And if anything is uncomfortable, unpack, work on it, and repeat THAT date again until I'm okay with it, before progressing forward. I have to remind myself to not try and be more evolved that I am, to accept my limitations, and to be gentle and kind to myself in this process. I am SO FUCKING HAPPY that Elemental is in a more measured place.
I know that a LOT of our challenges came from this feast/famine mentality that he was carrying around from previous relationship where he felt the need to cheat/push boundaries to get what he wanted. Now that things have gone pretty much South with Sync, but I'm still fully on board with having an open relationship, I think that he is seeing that a) it was unnecessary to push to get what he wanted b) that if he had unfolded things at a pace that was comfortable for me, things would have been way less intense c) that he wants to have integrity, and be a good partner to me in the future, and never wants to hurt me like that again. Wow, that makes me feel so proud - that we have rolled those lessons into something real, and are moving forward. High fives to us! Wheeee!
Feel very hunter-gatherer having gone for a walk to go get dinner for some reason, and am also enjoying the appetite I worked up. Cold beer, sate this hunger, movie, then a bath and a book. Elemental is due back late, and I am looking forward to taking care of the little issue that Lily seems to have created for him, LOL!