instant drama - just add one person?
Well, I've been answering a lot of threads lately and thought it's been at least a few weeks since I shared my own special (waffly) blend of Sparklepop drama...
My GF and I date separately and are happy with that, but love the idea of sharing a partner. She generally clicks with men and I generally click with women, but there's enough crossover to enjoy some sort of threeway relationship. A week ago, a woman (Sun) contacted us. GF first, then me a few hours later. When the three of us got together for a chat, it was great, but unfortunately, Sun seemed much more into me. Apparently, GF and Sun had stopped emailing after the first day or two. Yet, Sun continued to email me all week. I saw trouble brewing... and then, it completely erupted.
GF argued that... I kept talking about Sun for "me, I, my" rather than for "us, we, you"... she felt rejected by Sun and deeply hurt.. I'm a hypocrite, as she's shared lovers with me.. every women she's ever liked, I've 'stolen' from her... I'm too flirtatious, too aggressive, should have slowed it down with Sun to give GF more of a chance... because Sun emailed her first, she initially thought "finally, a woman who's interested in ME!" ... and now she feels foolish, hurt, embarrassed... as well as hurt by me. Two more days of the same argument, after Sun contacted me again, and apparently I've dealt with this whole situation insensitively. There are some background issues that I feel are relevant, if you want to read them.
(1). I dated three women consecutively, at the start of my relationship with GF. They had all been involved, in various forms, with GF before I dated them. I believed I had GF's blessing and active encouragement. I broke up with each of them because they caused colossal drama with GF. She thought they were all manipulative and toxic. I will agree that they weren't the best choices. She now says that I basically stole all of them from her without a second thought.
To make things more complicated, Sun was actually 'sent' to us (particularly me, apparently) by one of these exes... which GF sees as a manipulation tactic.
(2). GF seems to have deep trust and rejection issues, particularly with women, due to shitty parents and being abused by a female as a child. She's had therapy, has been stable on anti-depressants for 3 years and is a real fighter.. confident, fiesty and strong, generally. Except when it comes to criticism and rejection. She only came out as poly 5 months ago to her parents and they've reacted very badly. This week has been emotional for her, due to the Sun rejection and some weekend family confrontations.
So, I'm stuck for a few reasons.... My GF is my priority - her mental health and happiness is of paramount importance to me. I'm thinking this isn't a good time for me to continue with Sun. I'm worried that the ex that sent Sun is trying to cause trouble. I'm worried that GF cannot handle the rejection. I'm finding it hard to see whether my GF has serious women-issues and is blowing things out of proportion... or whether I am acting badly.
But... there's a nag in the back of my head telling me that I've ended three relationships due to my GF's issues with them. I should point out that GF has been great about my most recent two lovers. But... I had a very intense connection with those first three women. I haven't found that with these last two girlfriends. I also haven't found the D/s element I need. Sun seemed to drop into our lives at the right time... for me at least... she's submissive, intelligent... I can see a truly great connection there. But, If I go there, I just know there'll be trouble. If I don't go there, I may resent it... and GF will insist that I will resent it.
At this point, I've suggested that either we both leave it alone, or that GF makes the effort to get to know Sun before she writes it off as her being rejected. She refuses and says that she doesn't want to cause herself the pain. Any ideas on what I should do here, from an outside perspective? Please be as blunt as you like if you think I'm being an ass.
Me: (29f) open poly
In a long-distance relationship with GF (39f)
Casually seeing Descartes in my home country (27f)
“Peace comes from within. Do not seek it without." ~ Buddha
Last edited by sparklepop; 07-29-2012 at 06:52 PM.